Making mayo

Joyosa, by Stockhausen / Snetberger / Andersen / Heral

Trumpet, guitar, bass and percussion. Sunday music. Ten reflective, lyrical, beautiful pieces of jazz. Marcus, by the way, as opposed to Karlheinz.

Making mayo...

...seems too simple. All the horror stories and curdling and what to do with the white and how much to make and what oil and all that...it all felt like propaganda put about by Hellmans to keep their jars heading off the shelves and into people's trollies. I did a bit of research and tried this:

One egg, whole, beaten up with salt and pepper and mustard powder. Drizzle in some oil of your choice (not what came out of the sump at your last oil change, maybe, but otherwise don't get too hung up about it) and keep whisking like mad. If it starts to go wrong, stop with the oil and give it plenty with the whisk, it'll right itself in no time. When you have a nice mayo-looking product, stop adding oil, add some vinegar or lemon juice to taste, and put it in the fridge.

Not only can you be sure about the egg you've used (i.e. there's huge differences between what a supermarket is allowed to label 'organic' and what actually is organic, and when things get needlessly complicated – like free range, barn, fully free range, etc – it suggests obfuscation on the part of the evil empire) but you can adjust things to taste. It also looks yellow. Funny how supermarket stuff has to be played about with. Butter? Not yellow enough. Add some colouring. Butter has to be yellow. Mayo? Too yellow (even with whole eggs, let alone with yolks only like some recipes). Get rid of the yellow. Looks better white.

There was a Python film making sketch with a raving director, in jodhpurs and riding boots strutting around with a megaphone: “paint the grass green, paint the sky blue”. Supermarkets operate along similar lines. Take something good. Process, preserve and colour the bejesus out of it. Clingfilm it. Freeze it. Stick it in tons of packaging. Test it, make sure even Kerry Katona can microwave it. Properly. Eight times out of ten. Transport the ingredients to a central depot, then the finished article to another. Finally deliver to the shops. They'll buy it. They always do.

The Life of Brian

Hilarious. Uplifting. From “shut up bignose” and blessed are the cheesemakers to Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. One of those you need an annual dose of. I had Latin teachers just like Cleese's Centurion. What a needlessly complicated language.

Arsenal

After time to reflect, it don't get no better. Apart from rock-bottom QPR, we're the lowest London side in the league. Below Chelsea and Spurs, and also below West Ham and Fulham. This isn't some early-season freakish league position, this is after eight games and 21% of the season gone. For an intelligent man Wenger seems unable to tell the time, see the clock ticking, develop a sense of urgency. “We need to learn and come back from this” is okay once or twice. It's too late now, Arsene. The squad's still full of the same long-term crocks we've been saddled with for years. Diaby made a great start. He's broken now. Again. Rosicky (delete the Ro and there's an apt name). A slightly less technically gifted player who will give you robust reliability is better than these treatment-table-Tonys we seem unable to unload. Chelsea, 22 points from 24. Us? 12. Mid-table. Where our manager and Gazidis (our whateveritishedoes) have put us with their fantastic financial performances. Not so great on the Carrow Road grass, eh guys?