Health food

Clattenburg “shocked and angered”

The hairdresser's car driving and designer-label bitch is shocked and angered by Chelsea's accusations.

How many times have how many people sat down a long anticipated game and been shocked and angered by the referee ruining it? These are the Blair inheritance days of never ever saying sorry or reviewing and improving, and top of the no apologies league are our referees.

If they were more willing to say “yep, missed that, got that wrong, got a lot right though, and it's such a fast game” that'd be fine. As they hide behind technical details, as they get so much wrong, so many vital decisions wrong, the lack of humility means there's no sympathy when things go wrong for them.

Clatenburg didn't have to make the big, controversial decision. He could've taken a huge, deep breath, thought about it, and applied common sense. Instead he went out on a very insubstantial limb and invited the microscope he's now under.

Mercury Prize

There's twelve on the list. I've heard of five of them. I've actually heard three of them. I've even actually heard one of the contender albums.

That's not actually as hip as I'd like it to be, is it?

Even worse, what a blow. It seems the Mercury award is for hopelessly out of date and unhip dodderers in any case. I'm not even up with the downstroke.

Exit stage left, muttering, heading towards the potting shed in slippers, with pipe.

What a waste, what waste, what a...actually, I do mind...

...when it's a week like this, particularly, having hours wasted. By estate agents who can't organise providing keys. How hard would it be to make the phone call? Too hard, it seems.

Olives

Are olives good for you? I like to think that they are. They grow on trees and therefore are natural and meat-free, and those are good things. Maybe it's like that bananas and potassium thing. Sooner or later, someone will say “bananas. Good for you. High in potassium” and people will nod. Nod despite not knowing whether bananas are high, low or middlin' in potassium, or even potassium-free; and neither knowing whether potassium is actually in any way desirable in a piece of fruit. Or in the body. Potassium is one of the Group I metals, periodic table-wise. Top to bottom these become less stable. At the top, light them and they burn like billio. At the bottom, they spontaneously ignite in dry air. Halfway down, they only ignite spontaneously in damp air. Potassium isn't a calm, chilled-out element. It's right at the fiesty end of things. I suppose it depends on the dose. You don't see too many bananas bursting into flames. Though I did have a dodgy uncle who would stick matches into the bottom of bananas then strike them on sandpaper and pretend the bananas were flammable. Us kids thought it was a good trick, he'd light his fag with the flaming banana.