March Prince of Darkness Special

Prince of Darkness Special – March 2014

Peter Mandelson, the Prince of Darkness, walks into his kitchen. He is obviously buzzing, almost floating on air. Terry is sitting at the table with three others, watching Champions' League Football on the wall-mounted, wide screen television.

MANDELSON: Terry! Hi!

TERRY: [Distracted, focused on the game on the telly] oh, yeah. Hi. Boss.

MANDELSON: [Forces a cough] ug-troductions?

TERRY: Boss, this is Fat Dave, Mad Mark, and Tourettes.

MARK, DAVE: [Also distracted, half-heartedly] Hi.

TOURETTES: (Swears – random stuff).

MANDELSON: Hi. Nice to meet you...guys...heh. I suppose, as usual, I need no introduction?

TOURETTES: Who da f***'s this f***er Tel?

TERRY: Guys, this is the boss.

MANDELSON: Peter. Call me Peter.

MARK: Why? Is that your name or something?

MANDELSON: Yes. Yes it is, actually. This is the face behind the voice...

TOURETTES: The f****** what behind the what?

MANDELSON: Er...hello? This morning. Radio Four? The radio event of the week? The month? 2014 so far? That was me being interviewed, I'm back to the...

MARK: Tel, tell him to shut up, the game's on...

TERRY: Boss, we're sort of watching...

TOURETTES lights a large cigar.

MANDELSON: Sorry...do you mind?

TOURETTES: Da f***?

MANDELSON: It's no smoking here now. My body's...

TOURETTES: Nothin' to write f****** home about?

MANDELSON: ...a temple...

TOURETTES stubs out the cigar. On the table.

MANSELSON: I say...oh...never mind...as I was saying, I'm right back in the public eye. That interview about staying in Europe and the referendum...

MARK: Ref-er-what-dum?

TOURETTES: F****** hell, ref...

DAVE: Ref am dumb, he said. I fink.

MANDELSON: Everyone's talking about it, I'm...

DAVE: Tel, who's this...this...raving...

TERRY: This is my boss, guys, and he was in the Today programme this morning...

DAVE: The what programme?

TERRY: On the radio...

DAVE: Radio?

MANDELSON: I'm still here, you know.

Chelsea score. TERRY, DAVE, MARK and TOURETTES jump up.

TERRY, MARK and DAVE: Yes! GET IN!

TOURETTES: Get f****** in, ya ****.

MANDELSON: So you didn't...

TERRY: No. We didn't.

TOURETTES: Get ta f***, ya f*****.

MANDELSON: Well, I must say I'm a little disappointed and surprised...

DAVE: Radio? You are joking, aren't you? It is 2014 you know.

MANDELSON: Apparently so. And it seems I'm so two thousand and twelve.

He turns and leaves.

TOURETTES: I say, he's bit of a rum cove, don't-cha-know.