Is your child hyperactive?

It's Half Man Half Biscuit...

...on Friday, and time for some revving up:

So help me Mrs Mendlecott,

I don't know what to do,

I've only got three bullets,

And there's four of Motley Crue...

and:

If Jesus came to earth today,

We'd crucify him straight away,

Upon a cross of MDF,

And we'd use no need for nails

and:

Is your child hyperactive,

or,

is he,

perhaps,

just a twat?

I can quote from memory. Thank the Internet and the music collection for the rest:

You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce

Although there was a drive-by shouting once

I'm gonna feed our children non-organic food,

And with the money saved,

Take them to the zoo

I ring up Dial-a-pizza

And say “That's not how I'd spell Hawaiian”

A particular favourite is from a spoken intro:

I tried to put everything into perspective, set it against the scale of human suffering. And I thought of the Mugabe government, and the children of the Calcutta Railways. This worked for a while, but then I encountered Primark FM.

She's the main man in the office in the city

And she treats me like I'm just another lackey

But I can put a tennis racket up against my face

And pretend I'm Kendo Nagasaki

In my debt I owe someone a fiver

Maybe I should try my hand at drag

James Dean was just a careless driver

And Marilyn Monroe was just a slag

From 99% of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd