Wandsworth calling

That's the sound of the men working on the...er...helpline gang?

Allo.

Er. Hello. Is that...

What's it to you, you slag?

(Background) Now now Mad Verne, remember the training.

Oh. Yeah. Wotcha want?

Is this the British Gas helpline?

Yeah. Here, you a little ol' lady?

(Background, with an edge to the tone) Verne! No!

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, this is British Gas. How can we help you? (Laughs) You an ol' boiler wif an ol' boiler?

I beg your pardon?

Lady, what's the problem, exactly?

My pilot has gone out, and it won't light.

Right. Name?

Mrs Brown.

Address? (She gives the address).

Where's the boiler?

In the kitchen.

Where's the jewelry? Cash. You old biddies like to stash the cash, don'cha?

(Background) right, that's it...

Oy! Missus, we'll be right round. Blokes called Big Ron an' Fat Gaz...they'll need to know where...

The line goes dead.

Oh. How strange.

What's the matter love?

Just trying to get the boiler chaps out to get the heating working again.

They're not saying nothing doing for days again are they, we pay the...

No. Nothing like that.

Sew mailbags? Not no more. Call centres. Honest.