Anti-doping evangelists

Who's next?

World Anti Doping Agency. WADA. Orwellian? Their top anti-dope, John Fahey, speaking from the uber-righteous moral high ground (and definitely not from the saddle of a bike he's ridden up some stupid incline, having ridden it for a hundred miles already that day, having ridden hundreds of miles and stupid inclines for day after day) has called Lance Armstrong a 'drug cheat who has defrauded cycling, his rivals and millions of sports fans for over a decade'. Disassembling that statement: is 'defraud' the right word, I don't think it is; his rivals? Would that be all the other guys on bikes pumped full of whatever their team doctors saw fit to administer? Yep. That'd be the rivals. Cycling? A sport that has only recently and grudgingly cleaned up its act after much bad publicity, drug-related and suspicious deaths, and a trail of discarded needles in hotel rooms that would make the heroin addicts' annual convention look like the Temperance Society Tea Party. Defrauded fans? Don't you just love it when one of these self-righteous evangelists speaks on everyone's behalf? The Tour's climbs and sprints were never exactly lined with anti-doping placards, were they?

So, what's next for Mr Fahey and his mates with the clipboards and the anal retentiveness?

England are to replay the 1966 world cup final, after the Russian linesman sub-committee met to review the controversial third goal at Wembley. The medals are being collected in before the game, via eBay. Bad news for England football.

Better news for England football is that the 'hand of God' two-nil defeat to Argentina will also be replayed, after the referees' decision review board and the anti-Maradonna quango reached their decisions.

All test matches played before the umpires decision review system was implemented are to be called 'no results'. This has rewritten the record books somewhat. Copies of Wisden before 2009 are to be regarded as works of fiction.

Tennis has proved bit of a problem. Sir Cliff Richard has been awarded all the Grand Slam championships dating back to 1960. Men's and women's. The dodgy driving panel are looking at Formula 1 footage back to horse and cart days, without finding a single result that is likely to stand unaltered. They are advertising for extra manpower before even considering boxing, horseracing and the dogs. Even for the 776 BC Olympics there are challenges relating to hemlock, nightshade, belladonna, specially adapted togas and go-faster sandals.

The results of numerous general elections are in the balance as the swing-o-meter is going to do pendulum impersonations when the voting (boundary changes) panel start their dissection of results from the 1970s on.

A number of monarchs and therefore the current incumbents are being investigated by the right to reign sub-committee.

In general, either everything's fair game for a rewrite or we have to draw a line and move on. Armstrong was the best rider in the world for several years, better than many others probably doing worse than he was, better than many who were probably on a par, and perhaps even some who were actually clean. It's too late now to start stripping titles and holding long overdue stewards' enquiries. The only way to clean up all sport is to test everyone. That is the only fair, right and proper way to go about it. Even then there'll be new drugs being designed to get past the testers, and they'll always be playing catch up the way computer anti-virus software is always a touch behind the hackers, but at least there'll be an even playing field to a greater extent that that provided by random sampling.