I sentence you to being on hold for days...

Sorry luv, tuna's orf

Tuna's off the menu. Almost extinct. Three left. One's celibate. We're a greedy species and we've gone all short term as usual and almost scoffed the lot.

In light of this I've had some ideas.

GM slugs. No-one likes slugs. Ugly, sluggy things. They eat everything you plant, ignore the weeds, munch their way through the lettuce. Ignorant little blighters. All you need to do is isolate the dodgy taste gene, replace it with a nice and tasty gene, and Bob's your uncle. Instead of lobbing them over the hedge into next doors, they could be harvested and we'll all be full of slug tika massalla in no time.

GM brambles. Hate brambles. Kill 'em and eat 'em.

GM ants. Reprogramme their brains to stack themselves into an inverted cone, doner kebab style, and do the same tasty thing as with the slugs. Not fond of ants. Same with fies, particularly those persistent ones who can fly off anywhere they chose but instead opt to keep landing on you while you sit in the sun. Get them onto that spit with the ants.

A whole new meaning to 'cell-phone'

I can't help thinking about the prisoner helpline service:

(TELEPHONE RINGS, AN AUTOMATED SERVICE ANSWERS)

AUTOMATED VOICE:

Hello. You're through to Wandsworth Prison. Please listen carefully to the following options. Press the star key at any time to talk to an operator and the hash key to return to the main menu.

To report an escaped convict, press one.

To arrange a visit, press two. Note that any cakes will be subjected to security screening and all files and concealed implements will be removed. This may damage the aesthetics of the cake.

If you are a prison visitor, defence lawyer, or other do-gooder, press three.

For Barclays customer services, press four, unless you require the LIBOR rate fixing team, in which case press five.

For general enquiries press six or hold to speak to an operator.

(HOLD MUSIC: 'RIOT IN CELL BLOCK NUMBER NINE', ACCOMPANIED BY THE CLANKING OF CHAINS).

Food for tomorrow

I've been baking after work. Cheese and onion tartlets. To take with us tomorrow. Note, there's two missing already (they're hardly cooled off yet).