Coopers time again!

Coopers of Stortford

The new Coopers of Stortford catalogue has come through the letterbox, and it’s time to do the timewarp again.

This one has the drawback error (draw back? that must mean retreat, withdraw, rather than the disadvantage meaning your advertising copywriters are looking for) on the very first item in the book, a set of ceramic knives, that stay sharp for a lifetime, and about which Mrs Green says (in a little bubble under the photo): “Excellent, couldn’t go back to using steel knives. Amazing value, glad I ordered 2 sets”. Either one set was a gift, or Mrs Green’s planning on two lifetime’s worth of knife-use.

On the healthy home-made burger maker, Mrs Joy (surely they’re making the names up?) says: “I am very pleased with this – now I know what is in them.” Presumably she’s using the item ion conjunction with the butcher’s shop mincer on page seven, or has more faith in supermarket mince than I do.

There’s a Norman No-mates one-portion deep fat fryer, about which Mr Cooper (our first male recommender) says: “Definitely delighted with this product does excellent crispy coated chips from fresh potatoes. A good buy.”

On the same page we get our first glimpse of Daphne. She pictured giving a big Daphne thumbs up (“Daphne’s Tried and Trusted”) to a set of special lightweight saucepans. Daphne looks like one of those French and Saunders “stuff ‘n’ nonsense” women.

Page sixteen is good, Daphne’s second tried and trusted endorsement (for a ratchet-action chip and dice vegetable cutter) and the wonderful Hands free vegetable and fruit peeler! (their exclamation mark).

The cleaning products come in for high praise: “Very efficient, and easy to empty” Mrs Pippard, super-lightweight sweeper; “Wow! This is a powerful little tool here…” Mrs Lloyd, hand-held vacuum cleaner; “…did the job in half the usual time.” Mrs Johnson, spin-dry mop; “Does exactly what it says on the tin…” Mr Hirst, Mattress stain remover (it doesn’t come in a tin – I was wondering what Mr Hirst might be up to, but the blurb says the stain remover can be used on “…an array of unsightly stains such as coffee, tea, urine, faeces, blood…”).

There’s a new battery operated ear cleaner, on buy one get one free. I assume this is to reduce the risk of cross-infection and they come labelled right-ear and left-ear.

For the bloke with everything, page 65 features a sit-on mower jack.

Nice one Andy…

…a Wimbledon winner. Good stuff.

I need one explanation, though. In the year when record numbers of players have pulled out because the courts are too dangerous, and when we’re supposed to marvel at their strength and athleticism, how come after this:

Huge collision between Richard Hibbard (6’0”, 17st 13 lb) and George Smith (5’11”, 16 st 5 lbs) which saw Hibbard launched, flying backwards, after the clash of heads, at speed, and which saw Smith walk off, assisted, jelly-legged and disorientated, both continued (Smith after treatment)?