What not to do...

Compliments women actually find insulting

The Entertainment Daily guide to keeping your foot out of your mouth. Useful, no doubt. Or not, if you're already smoother than a very smooth thing. Smoother than silk people need not read the article.

After years of trying, my advice, according to BLISS, would be worthless. I'm going to stick it on the end in any case.

Their tips are these:

1. Avoid “blah, blah, blah...for a girl”. Apparently something like “you're funny, for a girl” or “you're clever, for a girl” does not go down well. They make a case against 'girl' for anyone over eighteen in any case. I can understand that, but there must be exceptions to any rule. “You've got a very sound grasp of the general principles, if not the finer details, of the offside / LBW / new scrummaging rule, for a girl”, for example, must be absolutely acceptable in any company. Turning things around, I don't see many blokes taking umbrage over something like “you're good at knitting, for a bloke”, however unlikely ever hearing that may be.

2. Never say “you look fine”. That'll be that 'damning with faint praise' thing, there. Now, this is a context thing. After chucking some gardening togs on and grabbing the secateurs (or in BLISS' case, more likely the chainsaw); or throwing on a jacket and trousers to go to work in, 'fine' is, well, probably fine. Less so after hours spent getting ready. From the male point of view, we probably mentally prepare something wonderful to say. Then wait. Then get distracted. Then, at the grand entrance, are engrossed in Brighton 1 v 1 Derby in the playoff semi-final.

3. You're so bubbly. This is in the Profanasorus dictionary. There's a load of words and phrases to avoid. Apparently 'bubbly' = chubby and irritating. Google “good with colours” of a man.

4. “You have a great personality”. That's just a repeat of (3) really.

5. “You are so HOT!”. Unless this is a direct reference to running a temperature, I'm struggling to see what could go wrong here (but see IF1 below).

6. “You look like you enjoy a good meal”. Now. Really. I think the author would've been thinking “you did I promise seven?” when resorting to this?

7. “You're so beautiful, you're so...repeated ad infinitum” - well, that'd be boring, wouldn't it? The novelty would quickly fade after the first few years or so?

IF1: “You don't sweat much for a fat bird”. The old ones are the worst.

IF2: “Are you wearing that?”

IF3: However funny it may seem from a male perspective to adopt the Rik Mayal Captain Flasheart persona and say something like:

“There's a party in my pants, and you're invited. Hoorah!”

Apparently has limited, and by 'limited' I mean 'zero' appeal.

Although, if you believe the gospel according to Blackadder, Flasheart always gets the girl (and to do the Bombadier Beer ads).

Ignoring Entertainment Daily's contribution falling off at numbers 6 and 7, I think the idea is to be more sensitive. For a bloke, like.