Helicopters, agent orange? Must be the Forestry Commission

May the for'th be wi'dth you

It should be declared a national holiday. For anyone with a light-sabre, anyone who would say “a bank holiday, it is today”, anyone who can't see Sam Alardyce without visualising Jabba the Hutt.

How's that for recycling? 6^Th December 2012 that first appeared. As fresh stale and predictable now as it was then.

Not for the muslims, christians, jews, or other committed believers like Cam-moron, or the pope, they can bugger off to work, the mugs. But for anyone who thinks putting 'Jedi Knight' as their religion on those stupid forms is a brilliant idea.

Star Wars Day. Like St Totteringham's Day, Star Wars Day must be above thatcher day in the national holiday pecking order, unless you're one of those political Belieber equivalents, the evil bitch arse-lickers. These include Cam-moron and Nigel Farage, the disgraced Max Clifford, Alan (growling gnome) Sugar, Mick Jagger and odiousness personified, Jeremy Clarkson.

The Forestry Commission

I'm not sure what the Forestry Commission does, exactly. Other than interfere and make things worse. It must be one of those government department things. Headed up by the minister for wood, or the permanent undersecretary for planks and bark, or the tree-hugger general or something.

They stick their noses into the woods where we walk the dogs, turn them into mudslides, then clear off. There's woodlands that pre-date human evolution, and, left alone, they'll outlive us, so what, exactly, do we need a commission for?

Anyway, there's a naughty moth, and its caterpillar defoliates oak trees. The department of science, reason and clever chaps has issued an internal, and leaked statement. In essence, it said this:

“Look, you twats, you've sprayed the trees and that has reduced numbers of the dodgy caterpillars, but spraying them again won't increase effectiveness, because they don't all live on the top leaves, and spraying them from above will only hit the top leaves. Also, you're going to wipe out all butterfly species, as the toxic chemicals you love chucking around are indiscriminate.

“We know you're a bit thick, so we'll spell it out for you: further spraying is a BAD IDEA”

The Forestry Commission, in their wisdom, is going to re-spray most of Buckinghamshire in any case, because they know better. Or, more probably, because they have mates with helicopters and gallons of agent orange laying around.