Er, no thanks Nige...

The gospel according to Nige

Apparently, all those years ago, Copernicus got it wrong. The earth does not orbit the sun, but, as previously believed, everything up there in the skies revolves around the earth, and the earth revolves around England, and England is Utopia, Eden, Paradise...

...if only it were rid of all us foreigners spoiling things.

UKIP is growing in influence, numbers, and power. A party of hate and racism is representing more and more people’s views. They they are there. Those people with the daily mail under their arms.

Who could disagree with Nige? After all, there's:

• The Royal Family. In the modern world, this makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Need a brain surgeon? Here's the brain surgeon's son. He may be a graphic designer, but, patently, he's the not just the best, he's the only man for the job. Iron Mike Tyson has retired from boxing, so, contesting the undisputed heavyweight championship of the world, in the blue corner, here's his fourteen year old daughter. Lets get ready to rumble.

• There's the glorious weather.

• There's Britain's Got Talent, Simon Cowell, Ant, Dec and more reality TV than you could wave several sticks at.

• There's the low taxes...oh. Cancel that.

• There's the fine public services that make the high taxes worthwhile...oh. Better cancel that, too.

• There's the NHS that isn't in any way being gang-raped and readied for privatisation and mothballing by the government...oh. Running out of bullet points here.

• There's the pothole free third world road network. There's the superb costly and rubbish trains. Still, the streets are safe. Well some of them are. During daylight hours.

• The education system. Of course. I forgot the education system. Good old Tone's “edukashun, edukayshun, eddykayshun”. The baton taken up by Gove. No wonder there's no need for immigrants. The UK's self-sufficient in terms of brains. Those two graduates I had the misfortune to employ, those two that couldn't spell, punctuate, write a report in their first language, or get a spreadsheet to add stuff up properly, they must've been some sort of strange aberration.

• There's the fine, democratic three two single party (different colours same flavour) political system.

To be frank, Nige, send me home. I'll pack me bags and be with you in a matter of seconds.

Did I mention the low cost of living? That'd be because there isn't one.

Much as it's good to see the major parties get one in the eye, I'd be much happier if it was a socialist workers, green, or even raving monster looney party doing the poking with the stick, and not these xenophobic racist bully boys, clutching their bibles and blaming the heavy rain on single sex marriage.