May Prince of Darkness - cigar and chips

PETER MANDELSON'S STUDY

Peter Mandelson, Prince of Darkness, is sitting in a large
leather chair, reading the Daily Mail.

                      MANDY
          Terry. TERRY! God. Where is he?
          He's never here when I need him.
          [Now extra loudly] TERRY!!!

Enter Terry, Mandy's man Friday. He is smoking a cigar, and
carries a bag of chips. Mandy is visibly offended by the
smell of smoke and vinegar.

                      MANDY
          Oh, there you are. Terry, what is
          that in your hand?

                      TERRY
          Which one boss?

                      MANDY
          Either, Terry. Either.

                      TERRY
          Well. This, in my right hand, is a
          cigar.

                      MANDY
          A lit cigar.

                      TERRY
          Yeah. A lit cigar.

                      MANDY
          And what is our new rule, Terry?

                      TERRY
          Er...no more going on about the
          world cup?

                      MANDY
          Not that one.

                      TERRY
          Don't mention the Chilcott inquiry?

                      MANDY
          Nope.

                      TERRY
          All empty beer cans straight into
          the recycling because there's no
          such thing as [he does the inverted
          comma finger thing] tinny
          sculpture.

                      MANDY
          Still a bit raw about that one?
          Still no. One last try?
          Cigar-related?

                      TERRY
          Ah. No smoking. Indoors.

                      MANDY
          That's the one.

Terry drops the cigar stub into Mandy's glass of water.

                      MANDY
          I hadn't finished...

                      TERRY
          Eh?

                      MANDY
          Never mind. And in the other hand?

                      TERRY
          Here, boss, I have a portion of Fat
          Joe's best chips, cooked in beef
          dripping and smothered in sea salt
          and vinegar.

He offers the bag to Mandy.

                      MANDY
          No thank you, Terry.

                      TERRY
          I take it you don't want any
          fishcake, either...

                      MANDY
          Terry! Remember: body. Temple.

                      TERRY
          ...or some curry sauce?

                      MANDY
          No. Do not utter the words 'peas'
          or 'mushy', please.

                      TERRY
          Boss. You don't have mushy peas
          with chips, curry sauce and
          fishcake!

                      MANDY
          Really? And what epicurean delight
          do you have them with?

                      TERRY
          Cod and chips, faggots and mash,
          liver, bacon and onion gravy...

                      MANDY
          Enough. Have you followed the news
          Terry. Have you seen the election
          results?

                      TERRY
          Yes boss. He's done good, 'aint he?
          Stirring things up a treat, old
          Nigel?

                      MANDY
           Terry, are you stupid on purpose
          or can't you help it?

                      TERRY
          But he's got an understanding of
          how things are on the street...

                      MANDY
          Jesus. Terry. He's a city-boy
          banker. He went to a private
          school. He's everything...

                      TERRY
          He speaks our language...

                      MANDY
          And what language is that, Terry?

                      TERRY
          Plain speaking, boss. There's too
          many of those Poles and those
          Romanian gippos and the bloody
          muslims telling everyone what to do
          and how to live...

                      MANDY
          I suppose you've got a point,
          Terry. We shouldn't be told how to
          live...

                      TERRY
          ...by a bunch of Westminster suits,
          eh boss?

                      MANDY
          ...exactly...er...no, that's not
          what I was going to say...

                      TERRY
          Anyway boss, I'm guessing something
          in that filthy rag you're reading
          has upset you.

                      MANDY
          They're saying new labour's
          finished. I've devoted my life
          to...

                      TERRY
          To your life, boss. And that's the
          problem.

                      MANDY
          Am I not a man of the people,
          Terry?

                      TERRY
          Have one of these chips, boss.

                      MANDY
          I, er...

Mandy reaches out a trembling hand, then withdraws it
hurredly.

                      MANDY
          ...er, maybe you're right Terry.
          There's some sacrifices I'm just
          not prepared to make. Fix me a
          blueberry yoghurt smoothie and
          juice me some spinach, could you,
          please.

                      TERRY
          Coming right up boss. Have you seen
          'Fight Club'?

                      MANDY
          No. Why?

                      TERRY
          Oh, nothing, boss, nothing.