October Prince of Darkness Special

October Prince of Darkness Special

Peter Mandelson, the Prince of Darkness, is sitting in front of an open fire. The fire is roaring. He holds a brandy snifter in one hand, and his mobile phone in the other. A laptop computer is running on a coffee table at his elbow. He is wearing a quilted riding jacket and green corduroy trousers. Next to his stockinged feet are a pair of brand new, very expensive wellington boots. He calls for his man Friday, Terry.

MANDELSON: Terry! TERRY!!! Honestly Terry, this isn't good enough...

CUT TO

The kitchen, where Terry is preparing a curry. He is wearing a plastic apron designed to make it appear that he's wearing stockings and suspenders, and is equipped with an unfeasibly large pneumatic bust. He is chopping onions, garlic and ginger, and singing along to the Prodigy.

TERRY: [Singing] I am the fire starter, twisted fire starter...

MANDELSON: [Turning off the CD player] Terry. What on earth is this “music” [he air quotes with his fingers] you're listening to?

TERRY: [Under his breath] lucky it wasn't Smack My Bitch Up.

MANDELSON: Sorry?

TERRY: Nothing boss. What can I do for you?

MANDELSON: Come with me, Terry.

CUT TO

The original scene, Mandy is now joined by Terry, who has pulled up a large winged leather chair.

MANDELSON: Am I unimportant, Terry?

TERRY: How do you mean, Boss?

MANDELSON: It's plain English, Terry. The question is what it says on the tin. Am I unimportant?

TERRY: I just need some context, boss...

MANDELSON: [Raising his voice] Context? What do you mean by that? Am I or am I not an important person?

TERRY: Well, what I mean is...well, nothing exists in isolation, right?

MANDELSON: Right.

TERRY: So, like, compared to Mrs Jones at the bus stop, I suppose you are comparatively important, unless the question is asked of Mr Jones, or Mrs Jones mum and dad, her brothers and sisters, her kids, her...

MANDELSON: So, Terry, apart from Mrs Jones' family...

TERRY: Extended family...

MANDELSON: Apart from Mrs Jones' extended family...

TERRY: And friends...

MANDELSON: Apart from Mrs Jones' extended family and friends, the general public would see me as more important than Mrs Jones...

TERRY: If they'd heard of you boss...

MANDELSON: [Spluttering and going bright red] if they've heard of me...

TERRY: Well, you're not a household name, not like Fernando Torres or Mesuit Ozil or...

MANDELSON: We're veering off the point, Terry.

TERRY: Sorry boss.

MANDELSON: The point is...

TERRY: [Apparently eager] Yes boss...

MANDELSON: I'm not being bugged by the NSA. Not one intercepted telephone call, not one interfered with email, not one tapped text message.

TERRY: Isn't that a good thing...

MANDELSON: No Terry, it isn't. They're even bugging Mercel. Jesus. You may as well stick a device in Mary Poppin's phone. Or the pope's...actually, you probably should do the pope's, but that's something else entirely...

TERRY: So, boss, basically, while everyone else is cheesed about being spied on, you're cheesed because no-one thinks you're worth spying on...

MANDELSON: I wouldn't put it quite like that, Terry...[he takes out his handkerchief].

TERRY: They're listening to junior ministers, minor celebs, even absolute nonentities like Ant and Dec, but you...

MANDELSON: [Now openly crying] ...sob...enough, Terry, enough...I've run all the tests, all the software, and no-ones listening in, Terry...sob...no-one...

TERRY: Eh?

MANDELSON: That's not funny, Terry.

TERRY: Do you want me to get some listening devices, boss?

MANDELSON: And plant them then find them then call the papers?

TERRY: Well, I wasn't actually...

MANDELSON: Brilliant, Terry, brilliant...

TERRY: Boss, now you're not listening...

MANDELSON: Get onto it right away, Terry, right away, A stroke of genius...