Neighbours (UK) Episode 2

Neighbours (UK) Episode Two

Chipping Norton. David Cameron is at the window. He is wearing a red dressing gown. The fabric has a print that makes it resemble the jackets worn by people riding out with hounds. Under this he is wearing blue pyjamas. He has the window open and there is the noise, and smell, of a diesel engine.

CAMERON: Asda? Samantha, there's a lorry next door. A grocery delivery lorry...from...Asda. Bloody hell, not even Waitrose...

SAMANTHA: Ocado.

CAMERON: What? No, honestly, there's...

SAMANTHA: Ocado deliver for Waitrose.

CAMERON: Oh. I didn't know that. I've just been briefed on the price of typical grocery basket items, too. Ocado, eh? Isn't that off Shooting Stars?

SAMANTHA: So they shop at Asda, so what?

CAMERON: [Ducking away from the window] Damn. He's seen me.

WAYNE: [Shouting] Oy! Dave, mate! Guess what we're getting delivered?

CAMERON: Oh my giddy aunt...

WAYNE: Oy! No point hiding up there mate. Come on over. It's drinks and nibbles day.

SAMANTHA: That sounds...

CAMERON: Unbearable. I'd rather sit next to Boris all conference [he goes to the window] hi, er, Wayne, isn't it...

WAYNE: Look at all this cool stuff, Dave. Onion bhajees, samosas, prawns in batter, spring rolls, chicken on those stick things...

SAMANTHA: Oh, has he got satay chicken, I like that.

CAMERON: The thing is old boy...

WAYNE: And just look at all this lot! [He holds up cases of lager, and bottles of white wine] Fosters [in an Australian accent] laaarga, g'day mait, and look at this, Chardonnay. I thought that was a girl's name. Three for a tenner.

CAMERON: [Under his breath] jesus spare us...[out loud] we've got this meeting with...er...George and Vince this afternoon, and...

WAYNE: [Still in Aussie mode] No probs mate. The more the merrier. There's plenty to go around. Tandoori chicken pieces, too.

CAMERON: [To Samantha] he's got some chicken pieces. They're the most garish colour you can imagine...

SAMANTHA: It's a well-known...

CAMERON: It's a well known pleb-fest is what it is. How's it come to this. What's that [his mobile text alert sounds, he looks at his phone] what does 'u' 'r' 'a' semi colon, dash, close bracket – er mean?

SAMANTHA: Give it here. Oh, [laughing] he's a boy isn't he...

CAMERON: Who?

SAMANTHA: Boris. That's his number, there, isn't it?

CAMERON: How do you know?

SAMANTHA: I...er...it comes up in the contacts list thing.

CAMERON: Oh, yes, of course. I knew that.

WAYNE: [Shouting louder] potato skins. Chips. Ava's making one of her famous salads. Croûtons, fried onion pieces and bacon sprinkles in mayo. And for us blokes...

A bottle of Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce hits the window, drops onto the stone cill and breaks, leaving red streaks on the carved sandstone cill and the limestone masonry.

WAYNE: Ooooops. Soz, mate. Never mind. Plenty more where that came from. Don't want the grub too tame, eh?

CAMERON: [Slamming the window closed] did you hear that? Plenty more Cotswold limestone where that came from! The absolute oaf.

SAMANTHA: You're inches away from a snob-gate scandal, do you know that?

There's a loud noise from the rear. Samantha gets up and pulls the curtains, opens the window. The opening bars of Blur's 'Park Life'. Sharp-edged guitar rings out before...

WAYNE: [On microphone] Confidence is a preference for the 'abitual voyeur of what is known as...

WAYNE and SCYNTHYA: PARKLIFE!

SAMANTHA: That's nice, look, they've got a karaoke machine set up in the garden...

WAYNE: John's got brewer's droop, 'e gets intimidated by the dirty pigeons, vey lorve a bit of it...

SAMANTHA: Parklife! I think I know this one.

CAMERON: I can't believe this is happening...

WAYNE, SCYNTHYA, and SAMANTHA: All va people, so many people, an' vey all go 'and in 'and, 'and in 'and fru their...parklife...