Get out of jail, but not free

Monopoly rules and money come to real life

Genuinely hilarious: Curtis Warren has a deal on the table. Fork out £185m, and get out on parole, or keep the mulah and do another ten years. He sees himself as more of an import / export entrepeneur, former bouncer made good smuggling stuff into the country for resale. He says that the Dutch have wiped out his wallet. Our lot say he's loaded and banged up for 'serious' crimes. As you'd expect, someone who has banked that amount of dosh has some serious 'serious' on his CV.

I wonder if we're not missing a trick here. We could reduce prison numbers and raise money by applying the same rules to others that find themselves banged up. Instead of all those long, boring and costly parole board hearings, just pitch up with a chip 'n' pin credit card payment machine and a price list.

• Mr 'Big' Vern McDamage?

• Yeah, what abarht it?

• Mr 'Big' Vern doing a seven stretch for GBH, ABH, and aggravated assault.
• Vat's me orl-right.

• Here we go, let's see. Three years time done, four to go, likely to reoffend in no time at all. Yes, yes, no, yes, 50%. There we are. Five hundred pounds, please.

• Wot? A monkey? You must be kiddin'.

• No, that's what the tables say. Parole tomorrow, five hundred quid, or we'll see you again in about a year or so.

• Oh. Orl-right, done.

• Thanks. You have been.

This puts a whole new light on the £50 note in the driving licence getting off the speeding ticket bribery and corruption thing. It seems okay in the courts, for mega-dealers talking millions, but frowned upon for Joe Public committing minor offences.

Interesting.

How would this work in the church? “Forgive me father, for I've done a whole lot of sinning” … “no probs my child, we do, like, y'know, bulk discount?” “forgive me father for I have done a little bit wrong there and there but nothing much to speak of, really” … “well that's a bore, really, because we're going to have to give you a good and proper dose of hail Mary and self-lashing and stuff”.

Got loads? Give us some and we'll let you off. Got nowt – serve your time son.

Monopoly rules: there's no set price for the exchange of a get out of jail free card, the terms of sale are negotiated between the holder of the card and the player desperately after theirn freedom. Westminster or Waddington's rules, which are going to apply? I like Waddington's, I'll gladly pay a few hundred to buy up Mayfair. Same rules apply, eh?