Thursday, 31 October 2013

Lou Reed 2


In the week that Lou Reed died

...I hope it's true what my wife said to me,
She says 'Lou it's the beginning of a great adventure,
Lou, Lou, Lou, beginning of a great adventure”

I can't remember ever falling out of love with music. I can't remember a time when the first thing I've wanted to do anytime, anywhere, is to get something playing. Often it's a need more than a want. Unless and until there's some music on, I'm in a total funk, unable to function, in a sort of panic. On the cricket tour, as soon as I'd got into my room in the hotel, I was scrambling about for the mini speakers to hook up to the netbook, and I'd already slipped the iPod from the rucksack and plugged in the earpieces. Into the car: music on. Into the office: music on before normal hours when the phone starts ringing. In the kitchen: stereo playing. It started a long, long, time ago, and has been constant.

...but remember that the city is a funny place
Something like a circus or a sewer
And just remember different people have peculiar tastes
and the -

- Glory of love, the glory of love
the glory of love, might see you through”

Of the first Velvet Underground album, The Velvet Underground and Nico, the one with the Andy Warhol banana on the cover, Brian Eno said something like: “only about 30,000 people bought a copy when it was originally released, but every one of those people formed a band.” Influence that it is impossible to underestimate.

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years
A thousand dreams that would awake me
Different colours made of tears”

Apparently, on that album, on certain songs John Cale was playing a viola fitted with guitar strings, they used 'ostrich' guitars, with all the strings tuned to the same note, and Cale had guitars tuned down a scale for a meatier, lower, growlier sound he described as 'more sexy'.

Give your hungry, your tired, your poor
I'll piss on 'em
That's what the statue of bigotry says”

Reed majored in English, I don't know whether he completed his studies, but the writers cited as his favourites come through in the lyrics of his songs: Hubert Selby Jr, William S Burroughs, Chandler, and there must be a huge dollop of Bukowski in there too. People with smart, sharp mouths often write the sharpest, funniest lines.

There's a girl from Soho with a teeshirt saying "I Blow"
She's with the "jive five 2 plus 3"
And the girls for pay dates are giving cut rates
Or else doing it for free

The past keeps knock knock knocking on my door
And I don't want to hear it anymore”

Rock 'n' roll heart. That's what you need. There's no 'new' rock 'n' roll, not business, not politics, none of those ridiculous claims:

I refer you to Lou Reed,
for all the evidence you could ever need.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Award winners...


The Mercury Music Awards

The media love award ceremonies. Well, it saves all that tedious listening / reading / watching / looking (that's Mercury, Grammy, and etc. / Booker, Orange, and etc. / BAFTA, Oscars, Golden Globe and etc. / Turner Prize, and etc) doesn't it. You can just scan the lists and bluff your way through any social event, dinner party, or examination. That's probably unfair on any number of honest journalists working their socks off, and entirely accurate about the top few with their feet up smoking huge cigars and drinking brandy all day.

I will still try to get through the Booker Prize short (and maybe long) list every year, but last year's result, favouring the entirely safe over the difficult and edgy but arguably more rewarding and (if you gave it the chance and worked a bit yourself (it don't hurt so much, you know)) handing the prize to Hilary Mantel over Will Self, has knocked my faith in the selection of the judges and their judgement, and this year's lot have left The Kills off the short list, which seems to include some inferior (but shorter and more accessible) options, while they still made a brave overall winner decision.

James Blake's won the 2013 Mercury. I'll have a listen when I get a chance.


The alternative...

...according to the Guardian:


I've listened to the Boards of Canada's Tomorrow's Harvest, and enjoyed it, I think it's a superb piece of work.


Disappointing...

...to lose to Chelsea. At home. In the League Cup.

This is my (and mine alone) take on the game:

Momentum, confidence and doubt. Always undervalued, everywhere and by all parties, momentum gets a knock, as does confidence, doubt increases and (whatever else the arguments are, and they're all sensible) our stopping the time without a trophy clock ticking options are reduced from four to three.

There's no right and wrong to this and no 'told you so' other than suggesting the application of hindsight given previous experiences, but another winning nothing season isn't going to look back at this game favourably. Hopefully I'm way off course here and we'll do the league, cup and champions' league treble and the open top bus will break down under the load of all the silverware. However, I fear that Arsene's attitude to the cups, and a tendency to fall for a flattering league position in making cup decisions, and a lack of squad quality in champions' league terms (coupled with his lack of the sort of tactical nous that Benitiz and Mourinho have) might lead to another, and future years of drawing blanks, unless you buy into the top four finish = trophy argument.

I've just had an idea (few and far between as they tend to be, but here goes). The argument should be whether or not the top four finish is better or worse than winning a trophy. That's the question, and again it isn't a simple health and safety clipboard exercise. Winning the league cup and being relegated is vastly different to winning the league cup and finishing second in the league. But this squad and this club and this bunch of fans need something to cling onto and build from, and I'm not sure Arsene is the right bloke any more and I've doubts that this year will end differently to the last few years.

Arsenal: (official party line): top four = a trophy.

Me: no it don't.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Stormy Monday


The storm...

...came and went. The lights flickered a bit, and there were a couple of short power cuts during the night, but then we have overhead power lines, which means that if a sheep farts in the wrong direction we're getting out the candles and torches, and dusting off the board games and packs of cards.

I was in “where's the charger for that gone” panic for a while on Sunday. Everything seems to want to be plugged in for a few hours to be at its best, and everything seems to have a different charger adaptor. Even when things have the same adaptor at the end, the gadgets are fussy about the quality or quantity of power they're getting. I was baffled when I stuck the right end of an in-car Blackberry charger in the fag lighter outlet, and the other end up the Blackberry's bottom, only to find it still nagging about the battery being too low for use as a phone (what else am I going to use it for?) after a two hour drive. Google had the answer, apparently not all chargers are equal, and having the right ends plugged into the right outlet and socket isn't enough. Only certain chargers will do.

There was an advanced driving spokesman on the radio. He said “use your fog lights if there's enough spray to reduce visibility to under fifty metres” and he said “only drive if you absolutely have to” (did you get that, tractor-man?) and he said “don't do anything really, truly, absolutely stupid like driving down to the sea to watch the big waves crashing in”. Whoops. I need to withdraw my 'good ideas for windy days' suggestion number one. But then I thought the advanced driving bloke may have been a little unfair. Watching huge waves pounding the shore is fantastic and invigorating and brain-cobweb removing, and spectacular, and it isn't as if everyone who had the idea was suggesting getting as close as possible to the point of no return and not taking a backward step until you make the acquaintance of Davy Jones or the local coastguard. Just popping down to the coast for a safe look. Maybe he's from that health and safety brigade that deny the existence of anything between cotton wool wrapped security and certain death.

I was also quite looking forward to a long night reading my book, unable to sleep with the windows and doors ratting in their frames and farm animals flying past at first floor level. Disappointingly I slept through the whole affair and made little progress with 'The Kills'.

Even D the Dog, not known for his undisturbed nights (lately there's been regular small hours barking as the foxes turn on the security light and have a romp in what D the Dog considers to be his garden), wasn't too disturbed.


The O2 advert...

...with the dog, with a song in his heart. That's great.

“Music, sport, gaming...all the things that make your heart sing”.

Good on you O2.

Media, take note. All the stuff on the back pages. That's what makes hearts sing. Not politics, not economics, not none of that dead boring stuff that dominates Radio 4 in the early morning hours.

Art, music, film, food, literature, football, rugby, cricket. The rest makes hearts sink, not sing.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Lou Reed


Lou Reed

Being old
And grumpy
But not as famously
Grumpy
As you

And not
Being as old
As you are
Either
Or as old as you were

I came into
The action
When you released
'Transformer'
Which blew me away

An album
That you either owned
Or you were Mary
Whitehouse
Or didn't like music

That led me
To The Velvet Underground
And a back
Catalogue
Of great albums

There are some
On line opportunities
To list your
Favourite
Lou Reed songs

I don't see that
As a viable option
And the very obvious
Walk
On the Wild Side

Is bound to
Prevail over some
Other predictable
Choices
Like Perfect Day

My favourite
Lou Reed album
Has to be
New York
A fully joined up

And integrated
Piece of work that
Flows from the first
Track
To the last

That's what we
Called them
Back in our
Days
Not 'songs' but 'tracks'

Pieces of a
Whole body of
Work by a
Songwriter
Or songwriting team

And New York
Is just a wonderful
And one hundred percent
Complete
Set of songs

As good as
Any other that
Comes to mind
Ever
In history

You were mates
With Andy Warhol
And Nico and
John
Cale, cooler than cool

A particularly
Fantastic thing was that
Despite growing old you
Never
Became stale

Or churned out
The same old same old
But insisted on
Innovation
And moving on

Relentlessly pushing
The boundaries
Rather than churning out what
Would
Sell loads of copies

By the way
Is the rumour true
Was that really you on the
Cover
Of Transformer

In drag?

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Mitchell v Partridge


There's a row broken out...

...well, sort of a row. It depends where you stand on the accurate reporting really. Semantics, too. Where does a spat escalate to mild bickering, and at what point does sniping become a proper row?

In the blue corner there's David Mitchell, and in the red corner Steve Coogan.

I'm in the blue corner. Just in case there's any doubt.

Start and end well. That's a good rule to adhere to. Coogan starts:

I've been a big fan over the years, I've enjoyed your witty asides, acerbic observations, character acting and voiceovers. In fact, despite your ubiquity, you are consistently well above average. I never normally criticise fellow entertainers unless a) I respect them and b) they come out with ill-informed and superficial dross on a serious issue. I'm afraid that on this occasion you qualify.”

Good at the very start, then it falls away somewhat, before becoming a tad damning, as in “superficial dross”. Not exactly looking for conciliation there, Steve, are we? Particularly not when you finish with:

David, if your article were a schoolboy's essay, it would score highly for style. But it would be covered in red ink with frequent use of the word "sloppy", finishing with: "See me."

The schoolmaster's criticism. By the non-schoolmaster, of the non-pupil. Never goes down well, that.

An aside: I don't get Alan Partridge, (and why)

The perceived and clichéd wisdom seems to be:

“Don't turn away the god-botherers knocking at your door; invite them in and talk to them and waste their time

Why the perceived wisdom don't work:

It only works if this equation is satisfied:

your time's value < their time's value.

Otherwise, you lose. Let's face it, these numpties have the time to waste knocking on your door, be they Jehovas, your local tory / labour / libdem /or mormons, they have the spare time to come pitching up, hoping to talk to someone they don't know. If your time is sub-prime enough to make engaging them, on balance, a minus for them, then go ahead. Every minute you hold them up, that's a minute of your time evaporated. I can't see how you're beating the doorsteppers.

So Alan Partridge is wasted on me. A very accurate satire on the am tv presenter, but if you avoid the morning telly rubbish, why waste time on someone satirising what you don't understand in the first place? Why waste the time?


So...


...Partridge Coogan goes on to claim that no politicians want to manipulate the press. Not like Thatcher did over Hilsborough, eh Alan Steve? Like Leveson and all the Hacked off lot, there's a lot of tub-thumping and reams and reams of rhetoric. But free speech means just that. No rules. Rules are made by people who benefit from them being imposed.



Saturday, 26 October 2013

Goodbye windows, you weren't very good


Bye Windows. Not missing you at all. Already.

Not overly blessed with patience, windows just isn't the operating system for me. It leads to drumming fingers, and muttering curses under my breath. Audible curses over my breath, too. It can start off manageable, but invariably, after less than a year, it becomes so clunky and ponderous that you may as well resort to pen and paper and abacus and whatever the early forms of powerpoint and you tube were.

It's commercial, windows. You pay for windows. So windows has a vested interest in you buying a new pc, because that comes pre-loaded with their rubbish, and you have to pay for it. That's a great business model. Convince your punters that you're the only show in town and that any alternative is way too techie for the likes of them, then trash their machines so they pay you more money. I struggle to understand. You wouldn't drive past the free petrol distribution centre to pay over the odds for inferior fuel that wrecked your car so you had to buy a new one.

Take an out of date, hopelessly slow, take it off my hands before I throw it on the skip computer running windows whatever flavour, slam on a slimline Linux distribution, and you're sitting in front of a flying machine giving years of fast, stable performance. It's free, you see. There's no incentive for any of the people behind the various distributions making your computer borderline unusable before the warranty has expired. Funny how poor performance has underpinned commercial success through de facto market dominance.

It can be a bit techie to start with, mostly because it is free, so you download a version, normally as an .iso image file, and there's a little bit to do to burn a bootable DVD or usb stick, but then that's it. Restart (ok, you may have to reconfigure the boot order in the BIOS settings, but how hard can it be? I've managed it on any number of pcs) press a few buttons, set the time zone, a user name and a password, and Linus is your penguin.

You can't get Sky Go (a Moonlight / Silverlight / lack of will on Sky's side to do the right thing); not all games will run. Other than that there's all you need and more. All for free.


The Kills

I'm onto book two (of four) and back in time to the dodgy company deciding to man the burn pits in the desert. It starts by chronicling the deaths of those men. It is a huge, sprawl of a novel, with even more to it in the on-line stuff, but it's also gripping and tense and, I'm sure, pretty accurate on the murky civilian side of the wars and peacekeeping missions in the middle east.


Crystal Palace...

...are not very good, but their fans are superb and they don't deserve to suffer that odious little thing Tony Pulis. He sets his teams up to pay a sort of anti-football, as you would expect of a creature that is an undersized orc. Like a cross between an orc and a hobbit, but wit the orcs looks, charm and temperament. Clubs should recognise that these long-ball, hoof it / throw it / launch it a long way and gather a bunch of 6'5” freaks under it can only take you so far. Usually out of the Championship, at best. As much criticism as tippy-tappy football attracts, that's exactly what has seen Spain dominate international football, and the top clubs that have dominated the Champions' League do just that.

Friday, 25 October 2013

Cabbage and salt...just that


Simple things: #1 Sauerkraut

Unbelievable. Shredded cabbage. A tiny amount of salt. That's the ingredients list. Clean knife and hands and a sterile jar. There's a fantastic transformation stage too, as you rub the salt into the cabbage, where suddenly there's no mare grainy salt and resistant shreds of white cabbage, and they've been replaced with a pliant, softer cabbage with a slightly wet feeling to the surface. A few days in the sterile jar and it lets out that familiar juice, but with an unfamiliar (to us who've only had the commercial varieties) fresh crunch and absence of any mass-production overtones. It would tweet with #itCan'tBeThisEasy.


I've tried...

...honest, I have, really. I've managed to run a Windows pc for almost a year, but over that twelve months the performance has deteriorated, the last straw (1) has been the insistence on running and failing to install the same two updates at every shutdown; and the last straw (2) came when I started it up alongside a (comparatively) ancient, underpowered, under-RAM-ed and under-processor-ed netbook running Crunchbang Linux. The Crunchbang machine was ready and able and logged onto the wifi and all that, while the Windows (comparatively) all-singing all-dancing (it should be like a Ferrari leaving a Morris Traveller in it's wake, spec-wise) was still saying “welcome”. All very friendly and everything, but I'm busy and in a rush and everything.

The Chrome browser on the Windows machine had also slowed to a crawl, and kept opening with that “Chrome didn't shut close down properly” thing (it did) and then repeatedly telling me that Flash had crashed and the pages were unresponsive and generally grinding to a halt.

So the question is: which version (distros they're called – short for distribution) to install? I like Crunchbang – fast, easy, and it has a brilliant (but slightly techie) minimalist user interface that I like. A lot.

But then Mint keeps getting rave reviews and the latest version (they ABC them with names) is Olivia, so that's made my mind up. It's downloading (or the .iso file is, anyway) right now and this evening I'm going to try and install it direct from that (if Daemon tools lite do their stuff).

Well, that could've been easier. Windows didn't like the pretend DVD drive or the .iso mount from Daemon, and didn't fire up Mint on a restart (deliberate, probably) and I've had to burn a bootable usb stick, go into the BIOS and change the boot order, and run the installation package from that. Getting onto the wifi was the usual faff and fiddle, but I got that connected after about ten minutes of cocking about. The installer is doing its thing now, an d it's only nine in the evening Might be up and running by ten (or, knowing computers, is that ridiculously optimistic?).

Success. The usb stick has been removed, and it looks like we're getting a Linux Mint 15 'Olivia' startup screen. In. Working. Now there's just the usual shedload (221) of updates to apply. Selective as ever: select all, install all. Hope no-one else is on-line. In the county.

All done, loaded, and the first important stuff done, like getting the email accounts into Thunderbird and Arseblog into the Firefox favourites. Here's the difference:

I want to eject an SD memory card:

Windows:

Hit the hidden stuff button in the right-hand tray. Wait. Hit the eject media button. Wait, drum fingers, think “jebus, how long can this possibly take?”, do something else, which stops the process dead in the water and it has to be started again with another hit of the button. Windows says “oh, you want to eject something, eh?” [thinks: yeah, why else was I hitting the 'eject something' button, numbnuts?]. Windows then says: “wait right there a minute, I'll see if I can't bring up a list of what you can eject, and we'll take it from there, eh?”. After more waiting there's the list. One item long. After hitting eject, eventually there's an annoying speech-bubble thing confirming it's safe to remove the SD card.

Linux: right click, instant menu, 'unmount', left click. SD card unmounted.

The (Not Responding) thing. There's two versions of each piece of Windows software. The rare, far less commonly seen normal version, such as Outlook, Word, VLC Media Player, etc. The more commonly seen not responding version, as in teenagers in the morning. There's Outlook (Not Responding), Word (Not Responding), VLC Media Player (Not Responding), and etc (Not Responding). The only point of software is to take on board mouse and keyboard (and touchscreen) input and act accordingly. If it 'aint responding, I may as well be looking at a placemat or the cover of a Jeffrey Archer novel (I was lost there, for examples of uselessness).

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Get out of jail, but not free


Monopoly rules and money come to real life

Genuinely hilarious: Curtis Warren has a deal on the table. Fork out £185m, and get out on parole, or keep the mulah and do another ten years. He sees himself as more of an import / export entrepeneur, former bouncer made good smuggling stuff into the country for resale. He says that the Dutch have wiped out his wallet. Our lot say he's loaded and banged up for 'serious' crimes. As you'd expect, someone who has banked that amount of dosh has some serious 'serious' on his CV.

I wonder if we're not missing a trick here. We could reduce prison numbers and raise money by applying the same rules to others that find themselves banged up. Instead of all those long, boring and costly parole board hearings, just pitch up with a chip 'n' pin credit card payment machine and a price list.

  • Mr 'Big' Vern McDamage?

  • Yeah, what abarht it?

  • Mr 'Big' Vern doing a seven stretch for GBH, ABH, and aggravated assault.
  • Vat's me orl-right.

  • Here we go, let's see. Three years time done, four to go, likely to reoffend in no time at all. Yes, yes, no, yes, 50%. There we are. Five hundred pounds, please.

  • Wot? A monkey? You must be kiddin'.

  • No, that's what the tables say. Parole tomorrow, five hundred quid, or we'll see you again in about a year or so.

  • Oh. Orl-right, done.

  • Thanks. You have been.

This puts a whole new light on the £50 note in the driving licence getting off the speeding ticket bribery and corruption thing. It seems okay in the courts, for mega-dealers talking millions, but frowned upon for Joe Public committing minor offences.

Interesting.

How would this work in the church? “Forgive me father, for I've done a whole lot of sinning” … “no probs my child, we do, like, y'know, bulk discount?” “forgive me father for I have done a little bit wrong there and there but nothing much to speak of, really” … “well that's a bore, really, because we're going to have to give you a good and proper dose of hail Mary and self-lashing and stuff”.

Got loads? Give us some and we'll let you off. Got nowt – serve your time son.

Monopoly rules: there's no set price for the exchange of a get out of jail free card, the terms of sale are negotiated between the holder of the card and the player desperately after theirn freedom. Westminster or Waddington's rules, which are going to apply? I like Waddington's, I'll gladly pay a few hundred to buy up Mayfair. Same rules apply, eh?

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

October Prince of Darkness Special


October Prince of Darkness Special

Peter Mandelson, the Prince of Darkness, is sitting in front of an open fire. The fire is roaring. He holds a brandy snifter in one hand, and his mobile phone in the other. A laptop computer is running on a coffee table at his elbow. He is wearing a quilted riding jacket and green corduroy trousers. Next to his stockinged feet are a pair of brand new, very expensive wellington boots. He calls for his man Friday, Terry.

MANDELSON: Terry! TERRY!!! Honestly Terry, this isn't good enough...

CUT TO

The kitchen, where Terry is preparing a curry. He is wearing a plastic apron designed to make it appear that he's wearing stockings and suspenders, and is equipped with an unfeasibly large pneumatic bust. He is chopping onions, garlic and ginger, and singing along to the Prodigy.

TERRY: [Singing] I am the fire starter, twisted fire starter...

MANDELSON: [Turning off the CD player] Terry. What on earth is this “music” [he air quotes with his fingers] you're listening to?

TERRY: [Under his breath] lucky it wasn't Smack My Bitch Up.

MANDELSON: Sorry?

TERRY: Nothing boss. What can I do for you?

MANDELSON: Come with me, Terry.

CUT TO

The original scene, Mandy is now joined by Terry, who has pulled up a large winged leather chair.

MANDELSON: Am I unimportant, Terry?

TERRY: How do you mean, Boss?

MANDELSON: It's plain English, Terry. The question is what it says on the tin. Am I unimportant?

TERRY: I just need some context, boss...

MANDELSON: [Raising his voice] Context? What do you mean by that? Am I or am I not an important person?

TERRY: Well, what I mean is...well, nothing exists in isolation, right?

MANDELSON: Right.

TERRY: So, like, compared to Mrs Jones at the bus stop, I suppose you are comparatively important, unless the question is asked of Mr Jones, or Mrs Jones mum and dad, her brothers and sisters, her kids, her...

MANDELSON: So, Terry, apart from Mrs Jones' family...

TERRY: Extended family...

MANDELSON: Apart from Mrs Jones' extended family...

TERRY: And friends...

MANDELSON: Apart from Mrs Jones' extended family and friends, the general public would see me as more important than Mrs Jones...

TERRY: If they'd heard of you boss...

MANDELSON: [Spluttering and going bright red] if they've heard of me...

TERRY: Well, you're not a household name, not like Fernando Torres or Mesuit Ozil or...

MANDELSON: We're veering off the point, Terry.

TERRY: Sorry boss.

MANDELSON: The point is...

TERRY: [Apparently eager] Yes boss...

MANDELSON: I'm not being bugged by the NSA. Not one intercepted telephone call, not one interfered with email, not one tapped text message.

TERRY: Isn't that a good thing...

MANDELSON: No Terry, it isn't. They're even bugging Mercel. Jesus. You may as well stick a device in Mary Poppin's phone. Or the pope's...actually, you probably should do the pope's, but that's something else entirely...

TERRY: So, boss, basically, while everyone else is cheesed about being spied on, you're cheesed because no-one thinks you're worth spying on...

MANDELSON: I wouldn't put it quite like that, Terry...[he takes out his handkerchief].

TERRY: They're listening to junior ministers, minor celebs, even absolute nonentities like Ant and Dec, but you...

MANDELSON: [Now openly crying] ...sob...enough, Terry, enough...I've run all the tests, all the software, and no-ones listening in, Terry...sob...no-one...

TERRY: Eh?

MANDELSON: That's not funny, Terry.

TERRY: Do you want me to get some listening devices, boss?

MANDELSON: And plant them then find them then call the papers?

TERRY: Well, I wasn't actually...

MANDELSON: Brilliant, Terry, brilliant...

TERRY: Boss, now you're not listening...

MANDELSON: Get onto it right away, Terry, right away, A stroke of genius...

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Oy! Where's me beans (with sausages)?


The great bean robbery

Thieves have stolen 6,400 tins of Heinz baked beans. Unfortunately for them, their fences, and the café owners who may have ultimately profited from their criminal enterprise, they have nicked the more niche market and less easily resaleable beans with sausages. Not something your average punter wants with their egg, bacon, sausage and mushrooms.

What made me laugh out loud was the police statement, where in true Cybil Fawlty (specialist subject the bleedin' obvious) fashion they said:

'[The police] are appealing for information, especially about anyone trying to sell large quantities of Heinz baked beans in suspicious circumstances.”

There is a huge temptation to grass up your local Tesco or Co-op, or café. Anyone other than a food outlet or supermarket dealing in large quantities of tinned goods must register as suspicious?


Apparently TV is now better than film (according to some bloke in the Guardian):

I can't see it myself.

  1. The long story
Yes TV give you longer, and I take Breaking Bad as a great example. It gives way too long, on the other hand, to pile s of rubbish way too often, and isn't as clever or as ruthless as the film industry when it comes to recognising that it is time to call a halt.

  1. Less franchise-fixated

Is it? Spin offs abound. Copy-cat programming, identikit hospital dramas, same-old same- old, the film guys are getting there, but have a way to go to catch up.

  1. The power of surprise

Yeah, the occasional programme is just about watchable and even more rarely worth watching, that isn't surprise, that's just lowered expectations, due to experience.

  1. Word of mouth

Small shows get taled up and watched by millions, and the same goes for films. Not a unique television win, mate.

  1. Actors best work

The example given is Idris Elba being excellent in The Wire, then ropey in a thriller with Beyonce. But he was only decent in Luther and it isn't the medium, it's the quality of the material that makes the difference, and while the best telly has got better, most, sadly, hasn't.

  1. The British excel at TV

Do they? Cited are: Downton Abbey (yawn, yawn, scratch, stretch, yawn, dribble, yawn), Top Gear (eh? right wing racist tory bigot petrol heads trading clichés and acting like they weren’t the bullied nerds they obviously were – jesus, if Clarkson (next in the Savile / Hall / Harris queue, trust me) is quality UK telly, that goes a long way explaining why I avoid it like a plague-ridden plaguey thing with the plague), and Dr Who (which was ok, the first new bit, with the northern bloke who was actually funny – nothing to write home about since). Nope, they do not.

  1. British actors rule the US

It does come as a surprise that Dominic West and Idris Elba, in The Wire, are Brits. Could the right Yanks have carried the roles equally well? Well, yes they could.

  1. The bond with characters

Intimacy? Who feels intimate with a soap opera character (this item on the list has a photo of the granny out of Eastenders with it)? Characters as extended family? I don't need extended family, and certainly don't need some sort of imaginary telly friends. Sorry mate. Point not made, epic fail, whatever. Intimacy? Family bond? Bog off with your rubbish.

  1. Big film stars of tomorrow are on TV now

And?

  1. TV made NetFix successful

Er, and?

Monday, 21 October 2013

Neighbours (UK) Episode 2


Neighbours (UK) Episode Two

Chipping Norton. David Cameron is at the window. He is wearing a red dressing gown. The fabric has a print that makes it resemble the jackets worn by people riding out with hounds. Under this he is wearing blue pyjamas. He has the window open and there is the noise, and smell, of a diesel engine.

CAMERON: Asda? Samantha, there's a lorry next door. A grocery delivery lorry...from...Asda. Bloody hell, not even Waitrose...

SAMANTHA: Ocado.

CAMERON: What? No, honestly, there's...

SAMANTHA: Ocado deliver for Waitrose.

CAMERON: Oh. I didn't know that. I've just been briefed on the price of typical grocery basket items, too. Ocado, eh? Isn't that off Shooting Stars?

SAMANTHA: So they shop at Asda, so what?

CAMERON: [Ducking away from the window] Damn. He's seen me.

WAYNE: [Shouting] Oy! Dave, mate! Guess what we're getting delivered?

CAMERON: Oh my giddy aunt...

WAYNE: Oy! No point hiding up there mate. Come on over. It's drinks and nibbles day.

SAMANTHA: That sounds...

CAMERON: Unbearable. I'd rather sit next to Boris all conference [he goes to the window] hi, er, Wayne, isn't it...

WAYNE: Look at all this cool stuff, Dave. Onion bhajees, samosas, prawns in batter, spring rolls, chicken on those stick things...

SAMANTHA: Oh, has he got satay chicken, I like that.

CAMERON: The thing is old boy...

WAYNE: And just look at all this lot! [He holds up cases of lager, and bottles of white wine] Fosters [in an Australian accent] laaarga, g'day mait, and look at this, Chardonnay. I thought that was a girl's name. Three for a tenner.

CAMERON: [Under his breath] jesus spare us...[out loud] we've got this meeting with...er...George and Vince this afternoon, and...

WAYNE: [Still in Aussie mode] No probs mate. The more the merrier. There's plenty to go around. Tandoori chicken pieces, too.

CAMERON: [To Samantha] he's got some chicken pieces. They're the most garish colour you can imagine...

SAMANTHA: It's a well-known...

CAMERON: It's a well known pleb-fest is what it is. How's it come to this. What's that [his mobile text alert sounds, he looks at his phone] what does 'u' 'r' 'a' semi colon, dash, close bracket – er mean?

SAMANTHA: Give it here. Oh, [laughing] he's a boy isn't he...

CAMERON: Who?

SAMANTHA: Boris. That's his number, there, isn't it?

CAMERON: How do you know?

SAMANTHA: I...er...it comes up in the contacts list thing.

CAMERON: Oh, yes, of course. I knew that.

WAYNE: [Shouting louder] potato skins. Chips. Ava's making one of her famous salads. Croûtons, fried onion pieces and bacon sprinkles in mayo. And for us blokes...

A bottle of Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce hits the window, drops onto the stone cill and breaks, leaving red streaks on the carved sandstone cill and the limestone masonry.

WAYNE: Ooooops. Soz, mate. Never mind. Plenty more where that came from. Don't want the grub too tame, eh?

CAMERON: [Slamming the window closed] did you hear that? Plenty more Cotswold limestone where that came from! The absolute oaf.

SAMANTHA: You're inches away from a snob-gate scandal, do you know that?

There's a loud noise from the rear. Samantha gets up and pulls the curtains, opens the window. The opening bars of Blur's 'Park Life'. Sharp-edged guitar rings out before...

WAYNE: [On microphone] Confidence is a preference for the 'abitual voyeur of what is known as...

WAYNE and SCYNTHYA: PARKLIFE!

SAMANTHA: That's nice, look, they've got a karaoke machine set up in the garden...

WAYNE: John's got brewer's droop, 'e gets intimidated by the dirty pigeons, vey lorve a bit of it...

SAMANTHA: Parklife! I think I know this one.

CAMERON: I can't believe this is happening...

WAYNE, SCYNTHYA, and SAMANTHA: All va people, so many people, an' vey all go 'and in 'and, 'and in 'and fru their...parklife...

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Why 31?


Woy Hodgson's in the dock

For the space monkey joke half time team talk. Here's a monkey joke that may not offend anyone, and as the whole premise is barking mad, I find it funny from the word go.

Scientists decide to perform an experiment to see what happens if an elephant is constipated for a long time. To simulate the effect of long term constipation, before thinking it through, they shove a bung up an elephant's arse. After a few weeks, they start the “who's going to remove the bung” debate. Time passes. Years later, they decide to train a monkey to do the job, as no one will take the risk. Eventually, they have a trained chimp ready to go, and the big day arrives. They're at a safe distance, one armed with a mobile to give the signal to the monkey and one with binoculars. They give the go-ahead and out comes the cork and there's a sufficiently huge tidal wave of elephant shit to bring into question their safe distance calculation. Soon it's up to their ankles, their knees, their waists, then their necks, and then the one with the binoculars starts laughing.

“We're up to our necks in elephant crap and there's plenty more on the way, what's so funny?”

“I'm watching the monkey try to stick the cork back in.”

There Woy. Next time try that. A safe(-ish) monkey joke.1


These boots were made for...

...walking, and holding water, it seems. The good news is they're still waterproof and leak-free. The bad news was the freezing cold, deep rainwater, and that my socks now smell like that carpet did yesterday.


The beautiful game


There's no need to be an Arsenal or even a football fan to appreciate this. It is absolutely unstoppable, irresistable. Put yourself in the boots of one of those defenders in the green and yellow shirts. What could you do to avoid conceding that goal? At the end of a real-time run-through, look at the four Norwich defenders standing stock-still. It's as if they're about to scratch their heads and have bit of a “what the hell happened there?” conflab.


31 Songs

I read the book a while ago, but couldn't put my hands on a collection of the songs, and wasn't nerdy / anorak-y / anal enough to gather them myself. Now I've found the collection, do you think I can put my hands on the book? What's troubling me is the numbers. Why twenty six chapters about thirty one songs?

It's way less than that on Desert Island disks.
1I know a chimp is an ape and not a monkey, but it's a joke. Just a joke. It does not have to be zoologically accurate. Look, the whole elephant-arse bung thing's pretty far-fetched, isn't it? Why would anyone think that's a worthwhile bit of reasearch anyway?

Saturday, 19 October 2013

The Insomnia Film Festival (1)

The Insomnia Film Festival (1): White

I’ve not been sleeping well, not for a long time, and particularly not since we got back from Venice. I wake regularly, and on one or two occasions each night, am unable to get back to sleep in a reasonable time. In the dark, with time ticking by, and getting no rest, frustration mounts and getting back to sleep becomes more and more unlikely, then impossible.

The only way to combat this is to have something to read, something to watch, something to do while my mind cools back down to a temperature low enough to make sleep a possibility.

This has made the weekends, and particularly Friday and Saturday nights something to look forward to, as there’s no pressure to get rest when rest isn’t available, because of work the next day. Friday and Saturday, wide awake in the middle of the night becomes an opportunity rather than a frustration. Last night I watched the second film in The Colours Trilogy, White. Polish director Krzysztof Kieslowski made the films, Blue, White and Red, with the themes liberty, equality and fraternity and they’re described as an anti-tragedy, an anti-comedy and an anti-romance. It’s a great film, mesmerising, passing in what seems a few short minutes and scenes. It has the best pre-paid mercenary mercy-killing scene (and the only…) in the history of cinema.


The carpet situation…

…or variations on The Bonnie Situation (Pulp Fiction, 1994) #1.

It began with a text message. Either BLISS thought she’d mentioned it, and hadn’t; or she had, and the early onset dementia was playing up (again); or she knew she hadn’t mentioned it and was counting on me assuming an early onset dementia moment. “Are you ok for the carpet?” What carpet? I rang and tried the direct approach:

“What carpet?”

“There’s some carpet for the dog sanctuary at S’s. Some small offcuts of new carpet. Can you pick it up?”

“OK”

The next morning it became clear that:

‘Some’ actually meant ‘loads’. Enough to fill a Focus estate, all except the driver’s seat (reserved for me).

‘Small offcuts’ meant ‘dirty big rolls…’ with the emphasis on the ‘dirty’, because:

‘New’ meant waste stripped out from a care home. For incontinent cats.

The dust made me cough and my eyes itch and I’ve come up in a rash. The car smells like a ferrets’ cage just before the monthly clean. This morning we sorted the carpet, cut it into squares, stacked and wrapped and labelled it ready to take to the improvised storage somewhere ready for shipping over to Greece. I hope D-the dog’s buddies back home are grateful little puppies.

Then we loaded the bus up and BLISS headed off to the tip. Apparently she took DLL and not me because “it isn’t worth the moaning” and she’s probably right. I do go off into stuck record mode about dump staff wandering about with clipboards and the time it takes to get shot of your unwanted rubbish. So, ten minutes later there’s a knock on the door and there’s DLL demanding money. We’re now shopping at the tip, apparently. They did come back with an elephant-sized dog basket that after a clean was like new. But it has come to this. Too poor even for Lidl and Aldi, we’ll soon have a loyalty card for Stig’s Second Hand Emporium, Depository and Auction Rooms.







Friday, 18 October 2013

Kitchen or Chem Lab?

Wet

Sitting in the kitchen. Peacefully. Quietly watching the rugby on the computer Sky Go (as advertised by Joanna Lumley). Saracens v Toulouse at Wembley. Good game it was, too.

Then out came BLISS with DLL’s (cold) hot water bottle, and she poured about nine gallons of freezing water down my back. Apparently this would’ve been funny enough as it was, but I also did some squeaking, threatening, started whining about my saturated polo shirt and water-filled boxers before complaining about going a bit dizzy.

Laugh?

She smudged her mascara.


Biltong

I’ve been on the lookout for some bargain, or special offer, or fallen off the back of a cow, or so far past the sell-by date we’re giving it away beef for a while now, to make biltong – air dried seasoned beef. I got hold of some, and went in search of a recipe. I googled: “biltong recipe” because that seemed a reasonable starting point.

Then I googled: “quick and easy biltong recipe”, because “quick, easy biltong recipe that does not involve a fully kitted out laboratory and a PhD in organic chemistry” might’ve been too long for the search engine text box. There was quite a contrast between the quick and easy and the full-on methods. I didn’t, after all, have to do a long soak in vinegar, treatment with a spice mix, and then a cure mix, with periods of turning every two hours for days in between, before rinsing all the good stuff off (in the reserved vinegar…oh…didn’t I say…you’ve thrown it away?...bit quick off the mark there, eh?), re-applying the good stuff. Drying, at least, was with kitchen paper and not a borrowed Tony and Guy hairdryer on an obscure Lady Di undercurl setting. Neither did I have to then set off to the bottom-of-the-garden hi-tech meat hanging facility, where maybe, some time in the distant future, someone might actually get to eat the stuff, having been left it in my will.

The sensible recipe mixes everything in a bowl, and leaves it for a while. Not too long, it warns, or it’ll be too salty. So I left it overnight but reduced the salt. You can dry it in the oven on super low with the door ajar so it does not get too hot. That’s bit of a relief because we’re not going to get hot, arid South African weather conditions here anytime soon.

So, there’s biltong on the way (or something resembling it, anyway) without the kitchen looking like the set for an episode of Breaking Bad.


Corpse crunchers

The biltong thing (and I suppose hanging up strips of flesh on straightened paperclips to air dry after steeping in vinegar, salt and spices does have a slight cave-dweller aspect to it) leads onto the new name the veggies, BLISS, Kiz and DLL, have for me and MM. We’re, as of now, known as corpse crunchers.


So. Given the choice between corpse crunching (and it may be a Polish thing here, but I can’t imagine never again picking up and devouring a bone dry, spicy, garlicy stick of kabanos) and muesli-munching, I’m in the blood-down-the-chin zombie gore-fest corner. You may live to be a hundred, but who wants eighty years of cords, socks and sandals, debating the merits of various types of oats among those bags of dried stuff that’s in Holland and Barrett but looks like it ought to be in Wickes.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Just a question: which one?


Who would you cull?

This is a badger, doing badger stuff. I don't know they do, but they do it at night, they've been doing whatever it is they do a long time, and they cause a lot less damage than our species:




























This is the secretary of state for the environment, Owen Patterson:


























He trained for the post by getting a degree in history (not anything remotely environmental) and went on to career in the leather tanning industry (that well-known source of pollution upholder of environmental concerns).

Defending his badger cull in parliament he said this:

[the reason for the low numbers culled is] “screamingly obvious, badgers are wild animals that live in an environment [see how he's cleverly worked a reference to the environment in there] in which their numbers are impacted by weather and disease”.

Unfortunately for the history-leather-politics-man, there's these guys out there with degrees and careers in environmental matters, and they disagree. It isn't screamingly obvious at all, they say. The only thing that's screamingly obvious is that Patterson's doing his best to bullishly defend the omnishambles he's presided over. The environment guys said:

There's been no decline in carefully monitored badger populations in Gloustershire and Oxfordshire. Where the weather and environment is remarkably similar to that in the pilot areas.

They also said:

Problems with the cull risk making bovine tuberculosis worse rather than better.

So, you're pointing the gun, what do you do?

Give Patterson both barrels or save one for the next one in the queue for the post?

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Haribo

Hans Riegel

They say
don't they
that too many
sweets
are bad for you

But Hans
lived to be
ninety years
old
despite that

Much as
it would be
nice to see the
nutrition
Nazis proved wrong

I don’t suppose
you lived for
ninety years on
Tangfastics
and Starmix

I must admit to
being a bit
disappointed that your
name
was Hans Riegel

I think
Mr Haribo would
have been
miles
better as would

Harry Bo, or
Harry Bodacious, or
perhaps, just
perhaps
Harry Bo-Diddley

That’s if
double-barrelled names are
allowed in the
world
of whimsy

You coined the
slogan ‘Haribo
kids and adults
love
it so’

That must’ve
helped make your
confectionary a
leading

world brand

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Latrine for two, follow me please...

Weird restaurants

Los Angeles: The Magic Restroom. Yep. You’re sitting on toilet seats, on, er toilets. You can have a black poop sundae served in a miniature bog. Should you want to. For whatever reason that could possibly be.

Paris: Le Refuge des Fondues. Bit of a niche market, the fondue dining set, but here they also serve the wine in baby bottles, which gets them off the tax. Good work, guys.

Taipei: The Barbie Restaurant. Theme, Barbie.

Bangkok: The Royal Dragon. Sheer size. 8.35 acres, over 1,000 staff (and they’re on roller skates to get round the place). That’s those that aren’t on zip-wires. Crikey.

Las Vegas: The Heart Attack Grill. They dress you in hospital gowns, serve triple lard-fired chips, and burgers the size of manhole covers. Dishes include the quadruple bypass burger (this features twenty slices of bacon)…

…why am I drooling? Is morphing into Homer Simpson finally complete?


CPS issued ‘misleading’ information – define misleading

Apparently saying you were not the subject of any complaints since 2008, when there have been at least nine, two of these upheld after full-scale investigations.

That’s ‘misleading’.


The Booker Prize…

…here’s my tip: Eleanor Catton (to win – 11/4 with Hills, BetFred and Ladbrokes). She’ll be the youngest ever winner if she gets the prize, and The Luminaries will be the longest winning book at over 800 pages (Will Self should’ve won last year but there’s been some sort of Hillary Mantel fixation-thing going on, with the equally long Umbrella).


The Kills…

…didn’t make the shortlist, but I’m really enjoying it, and it’s the first time I’ve come across a book with optional on-line content. You can visit the site (or not) when directed by the paper or e-reader text and link to short and loner film-clips, audio files recording characters’ phone calls, that sort of thing (or you can visit when not directed / not when directed and take in what you want when you want).

Twice this week I’ve not been able to put it down in the mornings, resulting in a later than planned (still stupid o’clock early – but maybe half-past stupid (idiotic? the edjit hour, Greenwich mean time?) start and a lack of focus with the shaving lather – could’ve been nasty, I’m surprised the near-miss Nazis didn’t burst in and take me away. The whole Internet content thing works much better than you’d imagine (the author is also a film producer and screenwriter, so that must help).


Monday, 14 October 2013

Rotring - classic writing kit

Cleaning Rotring pens

They are a design classic, and they’re great for drawing and writing and doing anything else you can do with pens (not sure what that might be). They do need the occasional clean-up, and I’ve ignored all the tons of expensive kit and gone for the empty curry paste jar, hot water and fairy liquid.

I’m sure that’s probably enough to have Rotring purists grinding their teeth. I probably should only clean them in a solution of angel tears in holy water, in the holy grail, and wipe them clean on the Turin shroud. Or something.

Anyway, those that were in robust good health (four out of seven – the older ones) just needed topping up and a quick shake, the others made my hands (and bits of the sink, worktops, washing up bowl and some kitchen textiles) black. Luckily I was wearing black tracksuit bottoms and a black hoodie (both of which now have very small slightly blacker patches).


The weird case of the disappearing gun

The police marksman said:

“I clearly saw that he had a gun” so far so good.

“It was concealed in a sock”. Right, clearly a gun, clearly concealed in a sock.

“Then I shot him and the gun had disappeared.”

To mysteriously reappear yards away behind a fence. Wormholes in space? The Tottenham gun space / time portal playing up again. Who can say?


Bailed-out-banker-bashing

One of the guys at one of the banks we (the taxpayers – reluctant or otherwise) own, has been done for another massive swindle involving currency exchange.

The NHS should abandon all those injections we give the kids, MMR, polio, TB, throw away the flu jabs and inoculations for foreign travel. All they need to do is take bankers’ blood, and extract one thing and give everyone a one-off, all purpose jab:

Immunity to Everything.


The worst countries to be gay in

What century are we living in productions present:

Mauritania: any adult muslim man who commits an indecent act or an act against nature with an individual of his sex will face the penalty of death by public stoning.

If you believe the bull, why do you need to inflict these things on Earth?

Togo: impudent acts or crimes against the nature with an individual of the same sex are punished with imprisonment from one to three years and 100,000 – 500,000 franc in fine.

Gambia: I’ll cut the crap – fourteen years inside.

Jesus. Or Allah.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Chicken wings

Chicken wings

I made these once and was told “you can get boneless chicken breast these days, you know…”. There were objections to having to pick stuff up with your fingers, and to eating anything with inconvenient things like bones in them. It seems vat-grown protein just can’t come too quickly for some folk. Luckily, as long as they remain unfashionable and full of boney inconvenience, they’re pretty cheap, a big tray costing under thirty bob (Google it: £1.50).

The bonus: cut the wing tips off and save them. When you have a pile of picked-clean bones, boil them up with the wing tips for chicken stock (I bunged a handful of tomatoes into the last batch for a quick and easy soup).

The prep: cut the remaining bits into the two, obvious sections, either side of the hinge joint. In a bowl mix them with: (necessary: soy sauce and sesame oil – yep, just the two essential ingredients, they’re a easy and robust as that); and: (optional: garlic, ginger, chillies, oyster sauce, fish sauce, Schezwan peppercorns, salt, black pepper, look, really, whatever you fancy or have lying around, bung it in, you have to try very hard to spoil these). Leave to stand as long as possible before cooking. Disorganised as ever, that’s not generally very long at all.

Lob them in the oven, gas mark somewhere between five and eight generally works, check them after fifteen minutes and then after every five minutes until they’re all crispy skinned and golden brown and yelling “eat me”. They’re good with some plain boiled rice, or a salad, or on their own while you sit and watch some footy on the telly.

Here’s some from Friday, about halfway through cooking, to accompany the international game:






















I had these on their own, splashed with Tabasco, with some kitchen paper on the side to wipe greasy fingers on.


The stock was thick (it was jelly after a few hours in the fridge) and flavourful and made a superb soup with just a handful of cherry tomatoes that had started to go wrinkly, half a tin of plum tomatoes left over from BLISS’ pasta sauce, and a small dollop of crème fraiche at the end.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Going postal


Some of the biggest ever robberies...

...are:

The EG Buhrle are museum robbery: number 10 at $139m.

You've probably already guessed where this is going, so let's skip a few...

Kinghtsbridge Security: number 9 at £60m.

Dar Es Salaam bank, Baghdad: number 6 at $282m.

The Central Bank of Iraq robbery: number 2 at $1 billion.

Stephane Breitieser stole $1.2 billion, but over a long period of time.

The winner is:

Our government, who have undersold our Post Office (not, actually, theirs to sell) to their mates for over £1 billion less than it was worth after one afternoon's trading. That's a billion quid of taxpayers' dosh they and their buddies have trousered in a few short hours. But Vince Cable says “it's alright” so it must be alright, then, and he said “let's see what the price is in three months time” which I don't understand.

If I sell (say) my car, today for £3,300, and the bloke who bought it sells it on, this afternoon, for £4,550 (the figures are the same as the Post Office share issue numbers, just times ten) then I'm saying to myself “I've been mugged off, there, big time” not “oh well, let's see what it's worth in three months time”. You're talking tosh Vince. Utter tosh. The party of business? The party of feathering their mate's penthouse nests, more like.

Oh and what about this:

Chancellor Osborn's best man works for a hedge fund that was favoured in the Royal Mail float. No doubt he made an absolute killing. Nice one George. Apparently Vince says “it's alright” so it must be.

From Thatcher’s days: sell off the profitable nationalised industries for fun and profit, keep the crap and then say “look at this evidence, nationalisation does not work” through New Tory Labour days that lacked the balls to re-nationalise, to now when they're still insisting that it's somehow good business to sell off the good stuff and continue to subsidise the failures (or, as in the railways, sell it off and continue to subsidise the private companies making commuters' lives an expensive misery, ruining running it). It's just one big con, this democracy lark, designed to keep those in power in the top 5% and everyone else skint.


The FA think tank...

...is rhyming slang. When Gary Lineker, bland enough for the BBC to give him the Match of the Day anchor (more rhyming slang) role, comes out saying that most of the guys on the committee ate irrelevant, well, you've not done so well, have you? Chair? That well-known football technician Greg Dyke. The only surprise is that Robbie Savage isn't in the mix. Perhaps he's first reserve?

Anyway, their first line of approach is that English players only accounted for about 30% of premiership minutes played. That's twenty clubs, 220 total, that's 66 players every round of games to look at. If they're the best of the best, and add in those playing abroad (and we don't tend to do too well with th exports, generally, do we, and maybe that's something we should be looking at in terms of a lack of international success) that's plenty.

However, we're back to the same old rubbish: if only it wasn't for all those foreigners we'd be top of the world. Right. Like we were before the foreign influx, with all those international trophies. The 1966 (home) world cup and...er...bog all else.