It may ok for Houdini, it isn't ok for you

Through a hedge. Twice.

Things always find a way through the hedges. The mice, rats, and such don’t leave holes behind them, but the foxes and badgers do, so we’re always going to be playing catch up making things D the Dog proof, because D the Dog has a bit of the Steve M^cQueen about him.

He got through a fox or badger hole and into next door the other night. Late. Past my bedtime. I heard him re-arranging the clay flowerpots to the side of the neighbouring house. BLISS went through a large gap in that hedge. I know it’s a large gap, because I followed her through it. We nabbed him by the gate, but was padlocked. We weren’t quiet, but we didn’t disturb anyone, so they probably had headphones on, or were absolutely sound asleep. Anyway, no way to open the gate, so it was down to us to get him back on the right side.

This meant BLISS crawling through the hole in the hedge to grab him, and then crawling back to our side, shoving him through first.

It may have been relief at finding him. It may have been that ‘through a hedge backwards’ thing playing on my mind. It may have been the stream of profanity BLISS was churning out, but I got a bout of those inappropriately timed giggles.

D the Dog was sort of veering between “look, I’m really sorry” and “what’s all the fuss about – these are communal gardens, right?” expressions. White Dog, unhappy when there’s any fuss, had taken herself off to her basket for a lie down.

Anyway, if he understands, he should now be aware of the following:

• Going next door is undesirable;

• So undesirable, in fact, that any further going next door will result in him being “on the next boat back to Greece”;

• That his parents were not Mr and Mrs D the Dog senior;

• That whatever he is, he’s a small one: a little b****r, and little s*d, and a little b*****d;

• That he’s a bad dog, a bad boy, a bad little whatever, and, well, just bad, really;

• He and his testicles will shortly be parting company in any case, he’d probably rather the painless approach over the one proposed by BLISS;

• That doggie charm and charisma, and laying belly up with your legs in the air, will not get you out of trouble if you push things too far.

By now he should also realise that boldly going where no dog has gone before results in the swift and irreversible installation of more chicken wire and chainlink, and may, if that does not work, result in the swift installation of a chain limiting his movements.