Rules is rules

The Curry House Rules

Good meal this evening. Good food and great company. In honour of the boys curry evening, here’s the rules (some of them, and remember they’re made to be broken):

• ALL the lime pickle has to be eaten (the first serving, in any case).

• If any additional lime pickle is requested, then ALL that lime pickle has to be eaten.

• Watch out for waiters with wicked senses of humour, a knowledge of the rules, and extra-large containers of lime pickle.

• Yes we know there’s Cobra Larger and suchlike on the menu, who cares, it’s boring.

• Just order a starter and rice and a main. These are blokes we’re out with here. One of us is going to ensure that the table’s full of breads and side dishes.

• Be absolutely respectful and scrupulously polite to the restaurant staff. Failure to do so will lead to your dining alone in the future.

• In any bunch of blokes, if it is large enough there will be: one who has the same dishes every time and drones on (“I always have the dhansak and pilau rice, you can’t go wrong with that, you know exactly what you’re getting with a dhansak…drone, bore, drone); there has to be one who never has the same thing twice and loves going off piste and trying obscure corners of the menu; one has to be the rugger-bugger with too many blows to the head “chicken phall, and make it a hot one and enough super strong larger to sink a battleship, please”, and this one walks out the way he walked in, untouched by gallons of high-octane beer and enough chilli to power up the national grid.

• The only correct answer to “would anyone like desert?” is “no”.

• When the bill arrives, round it up, divide by the number in attendance, and cough up. Simples. Your presence will no longer be required if you complicate matters: “I didn’t have a starter or any beer” is nonsense. Next time you’ll probably have a starter and plenty of beers, and someone else won’t. The concept is called swings and roundabouts.

• Try to leave with the right jacket. Your house and car keys are in it.

Zonked

BLISS has had an attack of D the Dog in full-on hyperactive kid mode. He’s worn her out, and she was all done-in by the time I got home. He stopped them watching their new The Hobbit DVD, and has been an absolute ‘mare all evening. Naturally (see: “watch this fantastic new trick I’ve just trained him to do…oh…typical…dogs and kids, eh”) he’s now sleeping laid across my feet with his best good boy face on.