Prince of Darkness Special

April 2013 Prince of Darkness Special

The plush, timber panelled, flock-wallpapered library of a £multi-million London townhouse. Lights gradually come up revealing Peter Mandelson, the Prince of Darkness, in an overstuffed Chesterfield chair, smoking jacket, and with a foamy substance on his head.

MANDELSON: Terry. Terry! TERRY. TERRY!!! [Screaming, red-faced] Terry, if you don’t get your…

TERRY: [Peering around the door] yes boss?

MANDELSON: Terry, how do you maintain a one hundred percent record for being absent when I need you here?

TERRY: [Entering] Dunno. Just luck I guess…

MANDELSON: Oh. Very funny Terry. Aren’t we just the…Terry, are you listening to me?

TERRY: [Removing earphones from ears] Sorry boss. Rafa Benitez on Talksport, talking about…

MANDELSON: Christ Terry. I’m having a hair crisis here and you’re more interested in John Terry’s left knee and Frank Lampard’s…

TERRY: Torres’ cheekbone, actually…

MANDELSON: [Pinching his cheek] Cheekbone? Cheekbone, Terry? These are the only cheekbones you need to worry about…

TERRY: Boss, you’ve got cheekbones under there?

MANDELSON: Terry. Why [starts to sob] does no-one want me anymore? No radio, no TV, no…will they mourn me when I die, like the blessed Margaret?

TERRY: They won’t notice. She was the PM and boss, weren’t you, like, a minister or something?

MANDELSON: Yes. Yes, Terry, I was…

TERRY: So, you must be an expert in something. Like the minister for education is an expert in schools, like Ed Balls, and the minister for the armed forces is an expert in warfare, like…like…well…and the health minister, they’re like medical experts, aren’t they? Sought after for intelligent input and opinion and stuff. What were you?

MANDELSON: Minister without portfolio.

TERRY: What? Like an expert in…er…nothing? Weren’t you the business bloke for a bit?

MANDELSON: Yes. Yes, actually, I was. [Chest heaves with pride].

TERRY: Did you ever run a business, boss?

MANDELSON: [Chest caves in] Er…no…not exactly. But a career in politics is an excellent lesson in the business practices you don’t get with a degree or diploma or sheet of bog paper with a qualification on it. What formal qualification teaches backstabbing, expenses fiddling, maximising personal gain at the expense of all else, lack of team ethic, dirty pigs at the trough approach…

TERRY: Er, boss, you’re not selling this so well…

MANDELSON: Terry…oh. God. God. MY HAIR. It’ll be black as coal. Plainly coloured. For all to see.

TERRY: Relax boss. Your hair’s been a joke for years. Your age and jet black hair? Please. [Starts singing] Living in an Archer Wonderland…

MANDELSON: My hair? A joke? Years?

TERRY: Boss, what planet you been livin’ on?

MANDELSON: What do I pay you for, Terry?

TERRY: [Lifts hand] Hang on just a mo, boss.

MANDELSON: Yeah, yeah. Every time you tell me the truth as you see it I shout at you and…

TERRY: No, boss, every time anyone tells you anything you ignore it. It’s a Blair thing. What about that lot you supported? The energy company that killed off the Sumatran tiger? You want good press while courting bad press?

MANDELSON: [Sobs] Terry, you’re so cruel…they’re saying such nice things about her…

TERRY: Boss. Please. Put some clothes on. Stop crying. [Puts earphones back in].

MANDELSON: Terry, I’m going to…

TERRY: Hold on. They’re talking to Ray Wilkins…

MANDELSON: Terry! My hair!

The Prince of Darkness bolts upstairs, towards the bathroom.