Moles with periscopes

There's some clever little moles around...

...at least there are on the golf course we played today, as cricket was called off (pitch declared too sodden for marking out by the local authority, sometime, presumably, on Thursday or Friday, a decision they didn't feel obliged to communicate, we found out when the vice-captain went along for a gander and found no pitch prepared for the home fixture – they're great, those customer service charters, thanks to you lot in Westminster for coming up with them, they've made all the difference).

They're using copper pipe and ninety degree bends as little mole-sized periscopes, watching out for the anti-mole green keeper.

Or, they're just part of the irrigation system.

I prefer the mole theory.

The new dog went into the sea...

...for the first time, at a rate of knots (note the nautical speed reference there – this don't write itself, y'know) before realising just what he'd done, and racing back to shore just as quickly. Perhaps the temperature isn't to his liking, with his Mediterranean background and everything.

Speaking of which, I'm still awaiting the first opportunity to use the Peloponnesian Mountain Dog bull on some unsuspecting pro-kennel club wonk.

BLISS...

...has a great future as a carpet fitter. God knows what she'd achieve with some proper kit, she's done brilliantly armed with the paper-hanging scissors and a fish-slice. Actually, it was a spatula but fish-slice sounds so much better (this thing really does not write itself, y'know – that there was imagination).

New golf rhyming slang:

Ladies (ladies tee), as in: sorry guys, had a couple of pints before kicking off, just nipping into the bushes for a quick ladies.

Seventh (seventh green), as in: isn't that a gimme? That's a bit seventh.

Broom handle (broom handle putter), as in: that much in 'The King's English', he had a right bad broom handle.

Metal (metal wood), as in: I like that Rory McIlroy, he's right metal, he is.

Fairway to Heaven

Golf isn't uncool. Famous golfers include Alice Cooper, The Beastie Boys, Sonic Youth, and Johny Depp. Actually I made the last two up. They probably hate the game.