The top hat's just too old hat

There's no monopoly...

...on the Monopoly playing tokens. Apparently. They're due a shake up. Only a minor one. One of them, only one, has to go.

I think they could all be revamped in a major overhaul:

Top Hat. This is the bookies' favourite for the boot. As opposed to the Boot, that is. There's the baseball cap, the bobble hat, or my personal pick, the building site hard hat alternatives knocking on the door.

Iron. An outdated token of domestic servitude (so I'm told, I'm not sure I could find ours, and I'm right domesticated, me). I'd like to see a little tumble drier.

Scottie Dog. I think this has to stay. There's no place for labradoodles or alsators, or whatever's flavour of the month in the fashionable London suburbs. Maybe a pitbull? Down the Old Kent Road?

The Boot. A little metal Dr Marten. Has to be.

Thimble. More domestic servitude here. I really don't know the first thing about sewing. All the ex-matelots in the fire brigade could sew hems and buttons and all sorts. I've been known to resort to Superglue (I got months out of that fleece after mending it) and staples (great for turning up trouser hems as long as you don't tuck them into your socks). BLISS and I even tried to turn up some extra long cricket whites with the iron on foolproof idiot-proof everything proof tape stuff. Well. It 'aint us-proof. It failed before they came out of the kitbag. One of her mates did the sewing. She's in Bulgaria now (not on the run from any sewing-related crime or anything) so now they just stay much too long. Sewing machine? Miniature branch of Primark?

Racing car. Token most loved by the Monopoly-playing berk. Smartcar. Or a bike. Or a big 4x4 landing on Mayfair. With a special congestion charge square. London? Must be a Boris bike if it's a bike.

Bloke on horseback (exclusive editions only). A hunt saboteur, naturally.

Wheelbarrow (exclusive editions only). Apparently there used to be a sack of money, so combine the two and have a wheelbarrow loaded with sacks of money. No. Ride on mower.

Vladimir Franz

See? The Czechs have proper politicians:

This bloke's composed operas. I doubt whether Cameron and Clegg, working together, could compose a limerick. Apart from being covered in tattoos, his stance is this:

Anti-corruption, the importance of education and the nation's moral standing. He says the political system is so enchanted with itself that it's lost the ability to reflect, and that twenty years after the fall of communism there's been a lot of talk and promises and nothing's changed.

We need him here. How long've we had our political system? It's still full of cronyism and corrupt as can be. Hundreds of years on and they've done nothing to make the world a better place. Our education system is being reduced to one big sausage-factory providing vocational training. Our kids are seen as nothing more than flesh and blood cogs in the big corporate machine. Just look at the self-regard of politicians unable to get more than about a quarter of people to the polling booths.