I'm not the Mona Lisa, just a saucy geezer

I've left the rag trade to join the drag trade

Was Ian Dury our last lyrical genius?

His daughter's book, Hallo Sausages could be mawkishly sentimental. It could be an exercise in rocksploitation. But it's engaging and honest and she talks about 'Dad' in a straightforward, conversational way.

She describes his newly expanded, Chaz Jankel influenced record collection...'[it] now included George Clinton, Taj Mahal and Bootsy Collins...I've still got Stevie Wonder's Songs in the Key of Life, Joni Mitchel's Hejira, The Beatles' Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and a Spike Jones and His City Slickers album that he gave me around this time.'

What wonderful gifts to give your kid. This, too:

So bye-bye rough trade for powder-puff trade

But I do feel a fright when my waspie's too tight

I'm not the Mona Lisa, I'm just a saucy geezer

Whose tits are made of sponge

I've left the rag trade to join the drag trade

With a very close shave and a permanent wave

Student loans for Olympic athletes

Having been lobbed large amounts of the pretty green by lotto players and taxpayers, should Olympians coining it large through selling Subways and teaching celebs to dive pay some or all of it back.

Absolutely not.

But only because that wasn't the deal to begin with, and you can't endlessly revisit agreements. That way lies misery and madness. Draw a line, move on. But realise your mistakes. In future, yes, there should be some sort of clawback clause. If we subsidise you now, and you make big bucks later, then you reimburse us and we will have funds to use on the next generation.

That seems fair enough.

Walkers crisps, salt and vinegar this time

Posh all caps font:

DISTINCTIVELY Salt 'n' Vinegar WITH REAL BRITISH VINEGAR

Still no discernible difference to the taste. Also, I'm not sure whether British vinegar is a truly superior product to, say, Balsamic or something like that.

Half our food is wasted

For every pound down our throats, there's another down the landfill. Blimey. There must be cooks like my mum everywhere. The microwave was a real boon to her. She could incinerate a dinner in half the time.