Meat is murder

Everyone's a flexitarian, aren't they?

If I've got this right, flexitarians eat what they like, when they like, but with a vegetarian bias. This is a wonderful idea. These guys might just save the planet. Seriously. What a wonderful way to get anyone who can't make the full conversion to out and out veggie for whatever reason (full English, bacon sandwiches, rare steak with French mustard, chicken vindaloo, liver and bacon, roast turkey, cha sui pork, rare roast beef) to adopt a largely vegetarian diet, with loopholes rather than lapses.

Of course, there'll be the mockitarians: pretend flaxitarians. No, the two veg in meat and two veg don't qualify. Nor do the chips in a Big Mac meal. There'll be the protests from the chin-scratching quasi-intellectuals who claim we need to eat meat because we're carnivores. We're not. At least I don't think so. We're omnivores with dental make-up to eat both. There'll be demi-flexitarians, there'll be five-day flexitarians who limit their meat intake to the weekend. They'll hit the butchers like binge drinkers hit the town centre offie on a Friday night.

As always there'll be the no-brain-itarians. These ugly, nasty, spite-filled creatures are recognisable by the way they mock and decry vegetarians while being unable to eat liver, or kidneys, or haggis or brawn. They blanch at the lips, feet, ears and organs that are in those frozen sausages they crave. They go green when you tell them those delicious brochettes were ox-heart. There's a lot of them eager to crawl out of the woodwork every time they hear someone order a veggie-burger, and the first ones to crawl away on their bellies when they find out their 100% beef is mostly hoof, head, genitals, tongue, organs. Oh, and horse. Naturally. How can you have 100% beef without the horse?

Food is shrinking

Due to JND. Just Noticeable Difference. Half the amount for the same price? Too noticeable. Shoppers will buy something else. Cut away a sliver, and sales don't suffer. I can only see the JND technique being effective as a one-off. Otherwise it's death by a thousand cuts, isn't it?

So, what's got smaller? Among others:

Branston Pickle. Reduced size jars, same price. Before they marketed the smooth version, the notoriously fussy Smithy used to spoon the contents of a newly opened jar into the blender, smoothify it, and spoon it back in.

Dairylea. I can't remember, ever, having gone through the palaver of getting the foil off a wedge of this, actually spreading it on anything before scoffing it.

Coco Pops. I shouldn't wonder if this isn't a likely candidate for the Harvest Apple Pie Syndrome. Big box stays the same, just less inside it.

Cadbury Dairy Milk. Two less squares. Made for sharing. Just with fewer people.

Quality Street. Probably another Harvest Apple Pie thing. Less in the same-sized tin.

John West Tuna. John West say less is offset by better quality. I'm struggling to see how you can tin better quality tuna. Unless it was previously contaminated with lesser species. Increased quality would be more applicable to the Quality Street. “Less of those ones no-one likes” the adverts could say.

Finally, despite urban myth and that French and Saunders sketch, Wagon Wheels are the same size they've always been. Their spokesman said any perceived reduction is due them appearing much bigger when you were younger, and your hands were smaller.