Happy posh shopping

How much? Oh. That much...

Early evening, outside Waitrose. A tired looking middle aged man is on the mobile phone (actually, that'd be me).

ME: Right. I'm nipping into Waitrose now, I'm starving.

BLISS: (for it is she) can you get some washing up liquid.

ME: OK.

BLISS: Nothing expensive though. It's dear in there.

The 'it's dear in there' was delivered the way you warn small children about strangers with bags of stuck-together cough candy.

Later (too much later) in the kitchen:

BLISS: That's nice. Blackberry and rosemary. Wait a minute. Fairy? I told you...

ME: Pound.

BLISS: What?

ME: Pound. Special offer. Loads of flavours on a special stand. Pound.

BLISS: (looking at me slightly oddly, as if seeing me in a new light) wow. That's a bargain.

ME: (thinking) that's a bit of luck.

I'm rubbish at knowing whether an implied bargain at a supermarket really is one at all. For all I knew I'd bought 50p or 75p worth of washing up liquid and the John Lewis group plc were laughing at me, going “sucker” behind my back even as I approached the till.

ME: (out loud) I know what I'm doing you know.

I think that was a step too far. I was doing alright until then.

ME: (thinking, again) note to self: remember to quit when you're ahead.

Hold on...

...blackberry and rosemary? What happened to washing up liquid? It was green and smelled of pine once. The choice was what size bottle you bought. Now there's a bewildering choice of colours and flavours. There was everything. Well, everything but green. No pine, either. The blackberry and rosemary was my choice because of the fantastic, vivid, purple colour. It replaces a Sainsbury own brand cherry blossom and red petal flavour. What to do? Squirt it into the sink or over your grub? I can understand the rosemary. That smells like it may have some astringent properties. Lemon I get. Cutting through the grease. Coconut I'm struggling with. Are people's plates in poor condition, in need of a moisturiser?

I did get excited once by the adverts for the foamy stuff that removed year old, burnt on student squat spag boll in seconds. Or it did for Ainsley Harriot. Not for me though. Came in a right hi-tec dispenser.