Prince of Darkness, July

PRINCE OF DARKNESS JULY SPECIAL

Peter Mandelson (Mandy), AKA The Prince of Darkness, storms

into the kitchen. He is wearing shorts, flip-flops, and a

brightly coloured tee-shirt. He is brandishing a copy of the

Daily Mail. His Man Friday, Terry, is sitting at the kitchen

table, smoking a cigar, drinking a tin of Fosters lager, and

listening to Test Match Special.

MANDY

Terry! Have you seen this? TERRY!

TERRY

Hold on boss, I think Jimmy's just

got a wicket...

MANDY

Eh?

TERRY

Jimmy. Jimmy Anderson.

MANDY

Who?

TERRY

Jimmy Anderson? Our opening bowler?

MANDY

Sorry, Terry. You've lost me.

TERRY

(Singing)

Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy...Jimmy Jimmy

Jimmy Jimmy Anderson...

MANDY

Does sport comprise your only

interest in life, Terry? Really

I...

TERRY

Yes.

MANDY

Eh?

TERRY

Yes. Yes boss, it does...

MANDY

But that's...that's...

TERRY

Absolutely normal, boss. Just not

where you come from.

MANDY

And where do I come from, Terry?

Just where do you think I...

TERRY

Nowhere normal, boss.

MANDY

Oh nevermind. Terry! Have you seen

this!

Mandy waves the copy of The Daily Mail, animatedly.

TERRY

The Daily Mail, boss?

MANDY

The Daily Mail, Terry.

TERRY

Never touch the stuff.

Terry turns away and puts his ear close to the radio's

speaker.

Mandy continues to wave the newspaper around.

MANDY

They're back to their old tricks,

Terry.

TERRY

Sure are, boss. Good lad!

MANDY

Eh?

TERRY

Moen Ali, boss. Another wicket.

G'wan my son, get in!

MANDY

What on earth are you...

TERRY

Moen Ali, boss. The beard to be

feared. Haven't you...

MANDY

No I have not. I've been busy

reading yet another hatchet job,

accusing me of all sorts including

being in bed with Putin...

TERRY

Sush, boss...

TERRY makes the palms-down keep the noise down gesture.

TERRY

Tuffers is talking...

MANDY

Who?

TERRY

Phil Tuffnell...

MANDY

Who?

TERRY

Forget it, boss.

MANDY

That's just it, Terry. I can't

forget it. Every time they start

digging everything back up...

TERRY

What's with the surfer look,

anyway, boss.

MANDY

Oh. You noticed. Well, if it works

for Cameron...

TERRY

What? Your going after the

surfer-dude vote? Hold on? Not

another one. There's a proper

collapse going on here, boss.

MANDY

A proper what?

TERRY

It's turning into a procession.

MANDY

What? Oh just forget it, Terry.

I'll never understand...

TERRY

No boss. I don't think you ever

will.

Exit MANDY, waving the paper and muttering. Terry settles

back down to the test match coverage, and the Guardian

crossword.