Black belts in No-Kwan-Do

Yes we can v the black belt in NoKwanDo

Frustrated beyond endurance, I've given in my notice.

Finally taking a step back, here's the problems as I see them:

1. I like America. I like the general politeness, respect, and civility. I like “excuse me, sir, do you have the time?” rather than “oy, mate, got the time?”. I like the way my credit card was found and returned with no fuss, no heroics, not a hint that anyone was doing anything other than exactly as they should. And I like the 'can do' attitude. The focus on “yes, why ever not?” rather than “reasons why not”. Obama's “yes we can” wouldn't work over here. It would've been met with a pantomime chorus of “oh no we can't”.

2. It isn't like that here. Here teeth-sucking, and no-can-do prevail.

3. What happens here is that the teeth-suckers and no-can-doers remain in post, but protect their position at all costs against the possibility of having to do a little extra or go a few inches out of their way.

4. This means that the can-doers pick up the slack.

5. What should happen then is this: “thank you can doer, for doing. We'll be sure to impose on Mr No-Can-Do over there the next time we need a bit extra”.

6. What actually happens, and what the no-can-doers depend on, is this: thinks: “shall I spend all day in a passive-aggressive battle with no-can-do today? Last time can-do rolled his sleeves up. Maybe he's got a bit of spare capacity I can tap into.”

7. So all you ever get more and more lobbed at you to deal with, unless you train up and achieve the black belt in NoKwanDo.

8. Selective measuring. A huge personal issue this, I'll admit, and one that switches me from off to incandescent in an instant. An hour is an hour, a minute is a minute, and a metre is a metre.

9. That is, A to B is X miles and Y hours. It isn't (X+a) miles for you and (X-b) miles for me, and it isn't (Y+c) hours for you and (Y-d) hours for me. There's no “could you just run over to so-and-so” for me if it's “all the way to...” for you. If you want my help, and if the balance is massively in your favour on the help-balance, do not give me teeth sucking when I ask for the annual small assistance. Or I'll walk, sooner or later.

10. For example: “just get out and plough through the jobs” (when it's me). “I'm swamped, can you help?” I said. “Yes, we can” they said. “But we need a route around the jobs, and we need so much info before starting that you may as well do them yourself, and we need all this other stuff too, before we consider getting out of bed.” “Forget it, I'll go out at the weekend and smash them out” - “no don't do that, we'll help, we just need these forms filled in and some further briefings...”. Bloody hell. Oh, and: “by the way, what we do for you? Well, bear in mind that we'll cock up at least 50% making more work for you than you had to start with.”

11. My assistant went to meet them recently. “We get from here to your office in an hour and twenty minutes” they said. “They must have a helicopter” he said “it took me an hour and forty-five and I was doing between 85 and 90 mph all the way”.

12. A nation of teeth-sucking no-can-doers. “We'd fix your boiler, madam, but we don't carry the parts, we'll have them next month...” all together now: “we have to have them delivered...from Germany.” Do you think there's a German gas-man on a Düsseldorf doorstep claiming he has to wait a month for parts from the UK?