Pope strip searched

A Vatican Valentine

“You off Bennie?”

“Yeah. Last day.”

“OK. Hand in the dress, the ring, the curly stick thing, and the silly hat. No hidden relics in those jeans now, are there?”

“Of course not.”

“No Holy Grail, no Spear of Destiny, no...”

“No. Do you think I'd try to steal...”

“Well, the last one walked out of here had Turin Shroud boxers on. Made with the Turin Shroud.”

“No. I'm clean, honest.”

“Oh. The boys got you a card. Here.”

He opens it and reads:

Roses are red-ish,

Violets are blue-ish,

If it wasn't for Jesus,

We'd all be Jewish.

Corridor meeting...

..at the food standards offices:

“This horse thing? Who're we going to blame? We need some monkeys to take the fall.”

“Why reinvent the wheel?”

“Eh? Oh. Yes. Of course...Johnny Foreigner, come on down. The French? We blame them for most things.”

“What about the French, and...the Rumanians?”

“I like the way you think Simpkins.”

The next day...

“Simpkins. You blithering idiot. I've leaked the French and Rumanian story to The Mail. It was the Yorkies and the Taffs all along.”

“Sorry boss.”

The Stamford Bridge Kids

Frank Lampard's writing children's books. Based on his experiences in football. Unfortunately, based on his early days. I think his times at Chelsea would be a better foundation:

“Sir, sir. They keep calling me fat sir” said Frank, bursting into the headmaster's study.

“Oh man up and get on with it.”

“Who said that?” said Frank looking around the room. Didier was sitting in the easy chair, smoking a large hand-rolled cigarette with a strange aroma.

“Seem to be coming from the laundry basket,” Didier said. He looked at his cigarette, “unless I've had one two many of these.”

“Sir, is that you, sir?” asked Frank, approaching the laundry basket then jumping back as the lid opened, and the headmaster, Jose, popped out.

“Could you hear me ok?” asked Jose.

“Yes sir, perfectly.” Said Frank.

Didier stood up. There was a crash.

“What's all that noise?” shouted John from the medical room next door where he was visiting the nurse. Again.

“Didier's fallen over.” Said Frank. “What were you doing in there, sir?”

“Just trying something out, Frank. You wouldn't understand.”

The bedsprings started making a rhythmic noise in the medical room.

“Not again2 said Didier, from the floor where he was awaiting a visit from the physio.