Only two wrong? What a swot.

Disaster strikes

This week, I had the Screwfix catalogue delivered. To me. My name on the top of the addressee label. That's serious old git territory we're entering here. What next? The Screw-loose catalogue? Alzheimer’s weekly? Drooling Dodderer's Daily (no, that's the Express). Then, with MM and LPL abut to take their driving theory tests, I had a go at it. I passed. Five wrong. 90%. Then MM passed his for real today. Three wrong. BLISS got just two wrong. How can it be? I'm the one drives all the miles (admittedly most of them seem to be while on the (hands-free) phone), I should be top of the league table here. Not rock bottom. I've been in the car with BLISS. If she knows all that stuff, it means she chooses to ignore it. Like speed limits.

Invisible to speed cameras

Here's another thing with BLISS. Never more than three points. Never less than ten mph faster than the limit says. Me? Every time I creep above the permissible speed there's a yellow jerkin with a hairdrier pointed at my head, cha-ching, £60 and another three points for you, matey. Just 'cos you've got a persecution complex don't mean they 'aint persecuting you. She's got some sort of built-in radar radar that I'm lacking.

The real answers

Yellow hash box junction. Only enter if the exit is clear. Except on the south circular, where it is your duty to stop so that complete cycles of green cross-traffic lights pass without a single car getting across.

Tractors. Milk cows, plant turnips, feed battery hens. Wait until maximum inconvenience time for other road users. Pull out and cause massive delays, preferably with a load of unsecured animal plop dripping off the back of the trailer.

Elderly drivers. Get up. Make tea. Do knitting, gardening, or similar activities until time of maximum inconvenience to other motorists. Don cap and gloves (men), or sensible shoes that don't quite reach the pedals (women). Pull out and cause massive delays. Always remember to have straw hat on the rear shelf.

Brightling Park away

At their brilliant, quirky little ground set in the middle of the horse trials course. There's even a couple of cricket stumps themed jumps.

There's an outside toilet reminiscent of the opening scenes of the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

They have a batty scorer (Jeremy's wife, and he's not entirely the ticket, although he does something in the City, I used to bump into him on the Cannon Street trains now and again) and a lady who does the teas who's age is greater than her height in millimetres, and who makes the best cheese and onion sandwiches of the season.

Among many contributions there were some impeccable performances. MM, Nobby, and Neal's batting was faultless. No, they didn't have to bat. Rich did an AD thing with 0 not out. Rich's bowling was faultless, too. Didn't concede a single run (overs 1 maidens 1). Anyway, a win's a win and we were win starved last season, so reason to celebrate today.