Paddy Power Pants

Get it right

England fans interviewed: “Wayne Rooney's return will have a great benefit in the dressing room”. Numpty. Like the BBC Muppet's legovers for stepovers. Learn the lingo before opening your mouth. There was that saying: better to keep your mouth shut, and risk everyone thinking you're a fool, than to open it and prove you're a fool beyond a scrap of doubt. Except it isn't 'fool' in the version I heard.

Actors, theatres, models, fashion shows, they have dressing rooms. With lots of mirrors. With lights all around them. Greasepaint. Make up. Costumes. That sort of thing. Players have changing rooms. Treatment tables. Benches. The smell of deep heat and white horse oils. Sweat. Dressing room. A giveaway, plastic fans.

1% tax? I'll have some of that, George

Thousands of mega-rich folk are paying 1% tax. No wonder the DWP morons and the HMRC mongs are after MM and me for £300 and £3,000, respectively. We've got to subsidise the 1% gang. Obsorne produced a soundbite about how he finds tax evasion “abhorrent”. I take it, George, that's abhorrent unless it's you or your slimeball mates that're benefiting.

There was a radio poll. Would you pay less tax if you could evade it. Now. Let's think about this. 0.000001 seconds later: yes. Yes I would, in fcat I'd pay ziltch if possible.

Rice or pasta

There's a pasta, risoni, that comes in small, rice-shaped pieces. So small, they're like grains of rice. I'm struggling with the point of making small bits of pasta shaped like rice when you can have, er, rice.

UEFA are pants

Nic Bendtner: Paddy Power pants. Advertising a non-UEFA sanctioned brand. One game ban and 100,000 euro fine.

Considerably more than the fines dolled out for the racist chanting and monkey-noises.

Good job UEFA. Great message. Confirmation that you are as useless, corrupt and did I say useless as we have all suspected for years.

Chapatis

Chapati pan and flour. Present from MM. Trial tonight. If I can get safely to the cooker. MM and BLISS are in here, skipping. If I'm not careful I could lose an eye attempting to get from the table to the fridge. No instructions with the skipping rope, obviously. Unlike BLISS's hammock which, according to the safety instructions, is one of the most deadly presents she's ever received. Before launching into the health and safety gone mad tirade, she did fall straight out of it and hurt her back.