Yes, I will get through there, but it won't be pretty

You'll never get through there...

...now, there's a red rag to a bull.

Take one ageing, not entirely firm, overweight (nice way of putting it) bloke, add one flimsy dual-purpose step and slide-out ladder that isn't really long enough, and a very small Velux window.

Sprinkle with determination that outweighs realism, and add a large pinch of denial.

That was part of the first stop of the day.

Even while getting out, and that was, er, inelegant in the extreme, I was all too aware that getting back in was going to be more of a problem, and take inelegance to a whole new level.

I got out, didn't die in a seagull attack, took my time over inspecting and photographing the roof, more than anything else, to regain some composure, get my breath back, and think through the strategic approach to getting back in while avoiding (in order of priority):

1. Broken bones, dislocated joints, anything necessitating a trip to A&E;
2. Cuts, abrasions, bruses;
3. Torn clothes, bad enough to need a stop at an emergency 6XL outlet;
4. Torn clothes (minor damage);
5. Too much indignity.

I managed (1) through to (4), albeit with a very close shave with (2).

(5) was a fail because I got the strategy totally wrong, and with one foot just about getting a toe hold on the ladder, I realised that there were:

1. insufficient flexibility;
2. too much arse;

for that approach to work and had to clamber back out and slide in facing forwards and then wriggle.

Dave L-F was laughing so hard he had to hang up his phonecall and wipe away the tears.

A bit rich from someone who bottled having a go, or who, as he put it, has a stronger grip on the concepts of discretion, valour, and the balance struck between the two.

Facadism

The manufactured word refers to the large-scale refurbishment of listed buildings, where the whole thing, apart from the front elevation is torn down and rebuilt behind the original frontage, preserved and often supported on a huge steel structure until the backage is reinstated.

There's some wonderful period terraces, and it's only right that the local authorities insist that all the buildings are painted the same, precisely the same colour, and that the painting is undertaken frequently enough to maintain the overall presentation of the terrace.

However, as they've mostly been converted to flats, and as money is tight, they all end up spending everyone's budget on the four- or five-yearly scaffold and redecorate the front exercise, while the rear and the roofs and the internals go way too long between getting any attention.