World Cup Themes

World Cup theme #1: the all-inclusive celebrations

Normally there's rarely goal celebration involvement for players and support staff on the bench. They usually have their own, separate, and comparatively low-key affair. A bit of discrete air-punching and some cheesy grins. On the pitch there's much more going on. Full scale Busby Berkeley choreographed all-singing all-dancing ensemble jobs. Shirt over the head. The “we're behind, you know” grab the ball from the net and sprint back to the centre-spot.

In Brazil scorers are heading straight over to the management and the substitutes, and there's huge numbers involved in the celebrations.

World Cup theme #2: we're doomed, we're so, so doomed – look, we're on the big screen! Yay!

Three-nil down, facing elimination, down to ten men, all hope long since abandoned, there's the fans, a-weepin' and a-wailin'.

Count: one-thousand, two-thousand.

Then they realise that they're on the big screen.

Wow. Look. There we are!

There they are. Suddenly the world isn't just a better place, they're jumping up and down as if they've just found themselves in the best place ever, aboard their own huge yacht.

The cameras, so far, have been kind.

I don't think I could resist the temptation to repeatedly zoom in on the same group, watching them bipolar flip between the joy of the big screen, and, when no longer on the big screen, going back to the devastation of their team's shockingly bad performance.

World Cup theme #3: referee's spray

Not only does that spray ensure free kicks are taken from the right place, with the wall ten yards away, it should be sold to taggers and grafitti artists serving their apprenticeships so that their early works are temporary until they get to Banksy standards.

World Cup theme #4: the blame game

There's no end of theories and no end of supposed culprits for England's early exit.

However, there's a lot of nations still in the mix whose populations, while significantly larger than their squads, are smaller than that of London. Suggesting that, for example, the average Costa Rican is very much better at football than the average Englishman.

World Cup theme #5: rich and thick

The wealthy snobs must be suffering from the in-breeding. Fancy holding Wimbledon during the World Cup. They must be mental.