June Prince of Darkness Special

PRINCE OF DARKNESS SPECIAL JUNE 2014

Peter Mandelson (Mandy), the Prince of Darkness is pacing up
and down a large, wood-panelled room in his London
townhouse. He has a copy of The Independent in his hand. In
his other hand he has a fistful of his lustrous,
suspiciously black, hair. Terry, his man Friday enters. He
is also holding items: a cigar in one hand and a tin of
Budweiser in the other. He is wearing a Brazil football
shirt, and a large, frizzy, Sideshow Bob-style David Luiz
wig.

                      TERRY
                (singing)
          Braaaazil, Braaaaazil...

                      MANDY
          Serbia! Of all the god forsaken...

                      TERRY
          Who, boss?

                      MANDY
          Serbia!

                      TERRY
          But they went out before the
          finals, boss.

                      MANDY
          Eh?

                      TERRY
          Serbia.

                      MANDY
          Yes. Serbia...

                      TERRY
          They went out...

                      MANDY
          Out of what, Terry?

                      TERRY
          Duh? Boss? Man of the people? The
          World Cup.

                      MANDY
          Oh. Yes. I was wondering about the
          change in mealtimes...

                      TERRY
          Yeah. I've been meaning to talk to
          you about that...

                      MANDY
          About what?

                      TERRY
          Mealtimes.

                      MANDY
          And?

                      TERRY
          Well, it's a bit inconvenient, what
          with the five o'clock and the nine
          o'clock games and now there's the
          possibility of extra time and
          penalties, well...

                      MANDY
          Well?

                      TERRY
          Any chance of a few takeaways, so I
          don't miss any of the action, like?

                      MANDY
          But my body's...

                      TERRY
          ...a temple. Yeah. I know, boss. I
          can get you some healthy stuff from
          those weird-o places if you like,
          or order in some of those (pulls a
          face) organic salads, if the
          Rawalpindi vindaloo isn't good
          enough...

                      MANDY
          Terry! Remember what happened last
          time...

                      TERRY
          Oh. Yeah. (laughs). That was...

                      MANDY
          No. Terry. It wasn't remotely
          amusing. And now this...

                      TERRY
          Now what?

Mandy waves the Independent newspaper around.

                      MANDY
          And now this. Look.

                      TERRY
          Oh. Serbia.

                      MANDY
          Yes. Serbia. It's come to this. Not
          Spain. Not Portugal. Not even
          Greece. Bloody Serbia. Special
          advisor to bloody Serbia.

                      TERRY
          They were...

                      MANDY
          ...I know. Knocked out before the
          finals. Thanks Terry. Now, rubbing
          salt into the wounds, THIS!

He flourished the newspaper again.

                      TERRY
          Hold still, let's see...oh (reading
          aloud)..."Mandelson to advise
          Serbia...because...he's cheaper
          than Blair"

                      MANDY
          Yes. Not only not Spain, Portugal,
          or even Greece...but...but...a
          backward, cold, concrete grey
          wasteland full of East European
          trailer-trash with missing teeth,
          vodka-breath and pistols in their
          leather jackets, old women out in
          the potato fields all day dressed
          in those
          black...things...but...but...it
          seems I've only got that because
          I'm cheaper than bloody Blair...

                      TERRY
          Well, it's not like you're a...

                      MANDY
          A what, Terry?

                      TERRY
          A political heavyweight, are you
          boss? I'd put you no higher than
          light-middleweight, maybe even
          lightweight or bantam...

                      MANDY
          Terry! I'll have you know I'm up
          there with the greats. I'm the
          comeback king. Churchill, McMillan.
          Gosh, even (he genuflects) the
          glorious Blessed Margaret...

                      TERRY
          Boss, aren't they all Tory...

                      MANDY
          Details, details, don't give me
          details...who said that, Terry?

                      TERRY
          Er...dunno boss.

                      MANDY
          Er, I think it may have been
          someone in 'Layercake'...

                      TERRY
          You watched 'Layercake' boss?

                      MANDY
          By mistake. It had James Bond in
          it...anyway...this is an
          outrage...Serbia...cheaper than
          Blair...

                      TERRY
          About those takeaways, boos, it's
          the knock out stages soon, and...

                      MANDY
          Whatever, Terry (sighs) whatever.
          And put that cigar out!