January Price of Darkness

January Prince of Darkness Special

Peter Mandelson is sitting in a large leather chair. He is flicking through Men's Health magazine, and sipping a peach and nectarine splash. Through a straw. Terry staggers into the room, with a large cigar in one hand, and a can of lager in the other. He is wearing headphones, and a “Champions of Europe...we know what we are” t-shirt.

MANDY: Terry. TERRY. TERRY! [He throws the magazine at Terry to get his attention].

TERRY: [Removing the headphones] Oh. Boss. What can I do for you?

MANDY: Terry, do you have to persist in wandering about the place with a drink in your hand? I'm on Dry January here you know, and...

TERRY: Well, boss. That's up to you. But it's a load of cobblers.

MANDY: I'll have you know that I'm the comeback king and my body's a temple...

TERRY: Yeah. A temple. Somewhere that smells of stale joss-sticks, where no-one wants to go and having a good time's forbidden...

MANDY: Terry! That's very hurtful. [He looks as if he's going to cry].

TERRY: Well. The name's rubbish for a start. There's Mo-vember. Catchy. Stop-tober. Clever. And dry January. Exactly that. Dry, and boring. And it's rubbish...

MANDY: But why?

TERRY: Because ninety percent of the population will be bladdered on new year's eve...

MANDY: Yes, naturally...

TERRY: And they'll be up long after midnight...

MANDY: And?

TERRY: And, what's the date after midnight, new year's eve?

MANDY: The first of...er...January.

TERRY: Exactly. Doomed to fail even before you start. You can pack up the fags at midnight on the last day of September. You can start the 'tache on the forst of November. But Dry January's already knackered before the kick-off. Set up to fail...

MANDY: [Looking at the alarmingly long ash on the end of Terry's cigar] Mind the carpet Terry...

TERRY: You see? With that...that...

MANDY: Peach and nectarine splash...

TERRY: Whatever. With that it's all “do you have to, Terry” and “mind the carpet Terry” and “my body's a temple you know, Terry”. After a couple of glasses of wine, it'd be “never mind, Terry, it's good for the carpet” and “is there any spare take away curry, Terry?”

MANDY: That's unfair. I'm going up to have a bath. Where's my bottle of goat's milk and placenta skin treatment and scented candles?

TERRY: [Laughing, replacing the headphones] Scented candles. [Sings...] I left my wallet in El Segundo, Gotta geddit, I gotta gotta geddit...