Essex and Coventry

Essex

First stop, Maldon. Already running late, I took the last remaining parking space. Then a paramedic car arrived. Then an ambulance, which blocked me in for twenty minutes. On the way out I noticed the 'sheltered housing' sign on the gates. No wonder no-one was paying very much attention – must be a daily event.

Then Chelmsford. For the first time, driving through, I caught a glimpse of the County Cricket ground. What a great venue, right in the town centre.

Next Basildon. Previously, I'd worked on a travel agent's superstore fit out in Basildon, including one of those half buried cars sticking out of the wall (a Cadillac), a scaled-down Statue of Liberty looking down on the whole shebang, and a new cruise desk, complete with life saver, ropes, and boat-shaped console.

Onto Brentwood, and you would now be forgiven for thinking Essex is a county made up of huge retail parks and a road network between them. I parked in a pay and display at the rear of the Swan Pub, where I had to traipse through some pretty toxic looking puddles to get to the machine to buy a ticket. The car park clearly was used by the patrons of the Swan, after the Swan shut its doors.

Harold Wood was next. Near Harold Hill, and the roadsigns inevitably had 'This is What You Find' playing in my head:

Home improvement expert Harold Hill of Harold Hill,

Of do-it-yourself dexterity, and double glazing skill,

Came home to find another gentleman's kippers in the grill,

So he sanded off his winkle with his Black and Decker drill

Obviously, either Ian Dury wasn't any sort of DIY enthusiast, or he couldn't come up with a rhyme for 'sander'. Or 'sanding attachment', which it may have been back in those days.

Last, Upminster, and more Ian Dury, this time a mental image:

The final call had a M&S food only place on the ground floor, and as I parked there, I promised myself that I wouldn't do the shop, spend over a fiver and get the parking charge knocked off the bill. That proved to be bit a test of my resolve. One my resolve failed miserably.

There have to be clichés, don't there? There were no big, hooped earrings or Tango orange fake tans, unless I was concentrating on the roads and missed seeing them. However, the population of Essex does seem to spend all day on the mobile phone to each other. Aliens would be under the impression that humans have two arms, one swinging freely and the other permanently attached to an ear.

Coventry

Brought some fantastic fans to the Emirates last night. They are playing their home games at Northampton at the moment. So the 100-odd miles to London was only sixty five more than to one of their 'home' games, and only an additional hour travelling. Arena Coventry Limited own a perfectly good ground, but won't negotiate lease terms and a stalemate has resulted in the current ridiculous, disgraceful situation. A lesson to lovers of sticking points and playing hardball everywhere: the only inevitable outcome is invariably lose / lose for all parties, and usually with collateral damage, too.