Movember Prince of Darkness Special

November Prince of Darkness Special

Peter Mandelson sits in a leather chair. He holds a hand mirror up to his face and is combing and fusing with a moustache. The early stages of a moustache.

MANDELSON: Terry. Terry! TERRY. TERRY! Jesus, man, where are you? TERRY!!!

TERRY: [Enters the room, carrying a portable radio in one hand, and an oversize bag of heavily salt and vinegared chips in the other] Hold on boss. We've got a free kick on the edge of their box.

MANDELSON: [Through clenched teeth] Terry.

TERRY: Boss, we're playing West Ham. This is important...

MANDELSON: Terry, so is this...

TERRY: [Turns off the radio and flashes a “I'll never forgive you for this” look at Mandy, and, as a true sports fan, he will never forgive] (Heavy sigh, resigned tone) Yes boss. I'm all ears.

MANDELSON: Terry, no one has noticed, let alone reported in the media, my Movember 'tache.

TERRY: Eh? What?

MANDELSON: Watch my top lip. Movember. My contribution.

TERRY: (Squinting) Oh. Yeah. I think I can...how much have you raised?

MANDELSON: That's not the point...

TERRY: But you were the business secretary of state without a...er...portfolio or something, that's the bottom line, isn't it? How much have you raised?

MANDELSON: It isn't all about the money. There's the raising awareness issue...

TERRY: So you've raised awareness, boss?

MANDELSON: No, Terry, I haven't. I've not been on a single telly show, or in the papers or on the radio, or anything, for ages...

TERRY: So. You've attempted...

MANDELSON: Attempted?

TERRY: Well. That's hardly a Merv Hughes you've got there, is it?

MANDELSON: Who?

TERRY: Never mind.

MANDELSON: And there's this...

He shows the cartoon showing Blair in the Fat Cat's back pocket and Mandelson riding the Fat Cat's tail, railing at Miliband's energy freeze policy.

TERRY: That's clever, boss. Good likeness, too. [He turn the radio back on].

MANDELSON: Terry, I'm being ignored, and mocked, it's cruel...

TERRY: Go on Frank, go on...