Cheese kills
If you're still reeling from the news
that, contrary to the adverts and hoardings, Guinness isn't good for
you and neither are cigarettes (Melvins), then you'd better look away
now. If you're eagerly awaiting the news that bacon, actually, is
saturated in 'good' fat, just like rock 'n' chips and kebabs have
health benefits directly proportionate to the lateness of the hour
and the amount of lager they soak up, then this isn't the news you've
been waiting for.
The new killer is cheese.
Yes. Obviously. Were a dirty great lump
fall from a very tall building and land on your head, etc. Nope, this
is a salt and fat thing. The guardian even had an online interactive
cheese quiz. Horizontal axis: salt. Vertical axis: fat. Scattered
around are wedges of cheese. The winner (top in both salt and fat) is
Co-op Roqufort. Well. They are good with food. If you crave fat then
Cathedral City mature cheddar is what you need. Mature Edam and
Sainsbury's feta win the salt rankings.
See? No matter what you do, it's never
enough. There you are, home from a hard day's graft. No alcohol (here
be monsters) and no Henrys (Wragg, betting shop slang). No red meat
(heart) no white meat (hormones). Just a nice cheese toasty. Not so
fast. That's spoilt now too.
When the doctors and health gestapo
finally have their way we'll all be coming home to a one-egg (white
only) omlette served on a bed of steamed boredom and accompanied by a
small portion of losing the will to live.
Bondi Beach (and other beaches) are
closed because ocean warming and high humidity have caused a red
algae explosion, choking the waters, killing fish and causing skin
problems for anyone who come into contact with it. The geniuses
running our little gaff have decided that nuclear energy is the way
forward, despite disposal still comprising bunging waste in a deep
hole, chucking in mass concrete and keeping everything crossed. The
genius lady interviewed said wind and solar power were all well and
good but there's not always sun and not always wind. Usually, if
there's none of one there's the other? We're all inches from drowning
/ running out of fresh water / starving / freak storming to death,
and even while we're busy killing the planet that sustains us, these
happy chappies can't wait to cross another food item off the
'no-guilt' list. Thanks buddy. Next time, keep it to yourself, and
pass the cheddar.
Phone ear
After another day on the mobile phone
(at least that's how it seems), arousing Basil Fawlty feelings:
“Yes, I was hanging the moose's head.
But you rang and I answered. So, yes I was hanging the moose's head,
and no, now I'm not hanging the moose's head, because I'm answering
the phone to you, asking whether I'm hanging the moose's head...”
Also, the feeling that there's a
golfball sized tumour in my ear, glowing red hot. Careless of my
health (not one person today asked me how I was doing at cheese
anonymous or warned me of the dangers of Wensleydale and Gorgonzola)
no-one likes being on speakerphone, either. “Am I on speakerphone?”
they ask “I can hear myself in the background.”
Double-win, then. Easing the
overheating ear and providing an incentive to get to the point and
keep it brief.
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