February Prince of Darkness Special

Prince of Darkness Special

Peter Mandelson, Prince of Darkness, enters the room where his Man Friday, Terry, is watching Wales play France in the Six Nations Tournament. Terry is wearing a France Rugby replica jersey, and holding a rubber chicken. Mandelson is wearing a pair of bib 'n' brace waders, in a welly-green colour, and a yellow sou'wester.

MANDELSON: Well? What do you think?

TERRY: I think, boss, that you make a better door than a window.

MANDELSON: What?

TERRY: I think, boss, that you're in the way of the telly.

MANDELSON: Oh Terry. You and your football.

TERRY: Rugby, boss. Six Nations rugby. Wales and...

MANDELSON: Whatever. What do you think? The outfit? Is it me?

TERRY: You're not going to that club again, are you? After what happened last time?

MANDELSON: No, Terry. I'm going, or I'm shortly going to be asked to go to, Somerset.

TERRY: What for? It's under water, isn't it?

MANDELSON: Well, first Owen Patterson went...

TERRY: Who?

MANDELSON: The one who pitched up in polished brogues and cheesed everyone off no end? The minister for the environment and killing badgers? The...

TERRY: Yeah. Whoever. So what're you wearing that get-up for, then?

MANDELSON: Next was Cameron, in wellies and a fleece, doing his man-of-the-people impersonation...

TERRY: Boss, the game's about to kick off. You look like you've fallen off a North Sea trawler. What's this got to do with the price of fish?

MANDELSON: Very good, Terry. Very good. Well, after Patterson and Cameron, it's a matter of time before they call in a true political heavyweight...

TERRY: Tony Blair? Isn't he busy with that News of the Screws court case? Advising what's-her-name? The Ginger phone-hacker bird?

MANDELSON: No Terry, a real big hitter, the comeback king, the...

TERRY: Oh. I see. That'd be you, then, boss, yeah?

MANDELSON: Yes, Terry, I'm going to stride through the flooded streets...

TERRY: Boss...

MANDELSON: What, Terry? I was just getting into...

TERRY: Boss, what happened when there was a spider in the bath?

MANDELSON: I called you, Terry.

TERRY: Before you called me.

MANDELSON: I may have screamed, a bit. You know how I am with...

TERRY: And when the toilet blocked up?

MANDELSON: Er...

TERRY: And when I was emptying the u-bend under the sink?

MANDELSON: Yuck. That was gross.

TERRY: So what do think Somerset's flooded with? Perrier water?

MANDELSON: Er, I hadn't thought of that.

TERRY: There's going to be Richards the size of...

MANDELSON: Richards?

TERRY: Richard the Thirds, boss. Floaters. Bobbing around with the tamp...

MANDELSON: Enough, Terry.

TERRY: Rats, boss. There'll be rats.

MANDELSON: Terry! You're spoiling this for me...

TERRY: There'll be...

Mandelson runs from the room, ripping off the braces of the waders and the sou'wester. The door slams. There's the sound of distant sobs.

TERRY: Thank god for that.

He settles down to watch the game, opens a can of Kronenbourg 1664 and starts tucking into a bowl of moule mariniere. With a French loaf, naturally.