Fat, exploding cows

Nematodes ate our grass

Two Scottish grass news stories (and two headline cow stories) in a week.

Fat cows: due to the weather and stuff, Scotland is overloaded with lush, thick, nutritious grass. The pasture is better, as is the winter feed. The cows are getting unhealthily fat as a consequence.

Exploding cows: a combination of methane (from cow-pooh) and a spark (from an electric cow-arse-scratcher – honest), led to an explosion. The barn burnt down. Only one cow was (just a bit) injured and the others were shaken up but otherwise unharmed. The farm spokesperson didn't comment on any affect on milk production.

Murrayfield rugby pitch: microscopic nematode worms are eating the grass roots, causing problems with the pitch cutting up rough in the wet weather. The antidote is garlic spray, as the little blighters don't like garlic. So instead for the aroma of haggis, neeps and tatties, Arbroath smokies, and deep-fried Mars bars, Murrayfield will smell more like the Stade de France, on buy one get one free snail Sunday.

Cow's arse and a banjo: despite searching desperately, nothing with banjos and cow's arses came up.

Evolution

Things like nematodes are better than we are. Loads better. Apart from the garlic problem, in the species longevity stakes, I'd have my two quid each way (tax paid) on those little bad boys right there.

How come these things are so robust, and we're so rubbish? There's animals out there who thrive on putrid, rotting flesh, and half of mankind seems to need a trip to A&E if they come within two miles of a peanut or a prawn.

Technological advances have trumped environmental imperatives, and as a species, we're way too sensitive to any number of things. If the lack of robust resistance don't get us, then some perma-offended fundamentalist mentalists will.

Independence

There's a debate, about the quality (or otherwise) of the debate. The Scots should go it alone. Followed by the Welsh, Irish, Cornwall, then hopefully a knock-on to us.

Lewes might be on the independence list. They broke away and had their own currency for a bit, and the place goes under the radar on bonfire night.

There's nothing to debate. Given the slightest chance of saying a massive “bye” to Westminster rule, I'd grab it. Having the chance should be enough for any sane individual to take it with both hands. All those years of democratic government. All those years after which we import young girls from France so mad people can mutilate their genitals. Plenty to be proud of there, eh? All those years after which the people in power still choose to ignore the experts they appoint to advise them on things they know nothing about. Mental drug laws. A climate change denying badger slaughterer in charge of the environment department. Lunatics. Asylums. It's long gone revolution time.

Beat wars

American Smoke is Iain Sinclair on the Beat writers. It seems they had a east coast / west coast thing going, pre-dating the rappers rivalry. Fewer shootings, no so many caps popped into asses, but the differences that stereotypes would conjure up: spikier, more competitive New Yorkers and laid back Californians. Hard to think of any similar contemporary literary groups and rivalries.