How many times do I have to pay?

Tell you what, I’ll pay, then I’ll pay again

I use my car for work. I get taxed on all this somehow, through one of those labyrinthine, needlessly complicated tax rules.

Then, my taxes pay the taxes that senior civil servants would be paying, were we (the taxpayer) not paying for them. Good job fellahs.

Those getting the benefit of my taxes going to pay their taxes include Jeremy Heywood, the cabinet secretary. God knows what a cabinet secretary does, but I strongly suspect that were he to go on strike for, say, several years, no-one would notice; David Nicholson, head of something called NHS England (as opposed to NHS Isle of Wight or NHS (Offshore Holdings Limited), or what, exactly?); and Phillippa Williamson, the former head of the serious fraud office, for her commute.

Phillippa, I don’t want to tread on your toes, but isn’t there some possibility of serious fraud going on here? You seem to be claiming my money, despite being the former head of the serious fraud office. Isn’t that your former commute you’re claiming for? Do former bus drivers still get free travel to and from the depot? Why would they need to go there?

The numbers are quite astounding.

Playing it down, one of their spin-persons said Heywood claims for the car he uses between home and Westminster, one he shares with another civil servant. Just a friendly little car share, nothing to see here, move along people. A friendly little car share that has cost taxpayers £170,000 over two years, with a tax bill of £49,000.

Now I lack the cultured wine-taster’s palate, but to use their terminology:

I’m getting a stench, something rotten, corrupt. A strong and bitter aftertaste of one rule for us and another for you lot. A nose of great steaming piles of rancid pigs’ vomit, mixed with exhaust fumes and greed.

They bring in tourists, don’t they

I had the misfortune to have to talk to someone who trotted out that baloney recently. I don’t think we need a royal family. I don’t feel the need to have someone to bow to, or tug a forelock at. No need at all. Don’t have any more of ‘em on my account. I don’t want to pay towards them, either. If you want them, feel free to chip in, on a voluntary basis, if you want or need to. I’m sure I’ll manage without them.

I don’t have a degree in tourism. I imagine, however, that attractions attract. Climate. Proximity. Ease of travel. Exchange rates. All those things must affect tourist trade. I can’t see families with young kids who want to go to the Florida parks choosing to go to London instead “there’s a queen there, dear”, “does she have a castle, like the princess in The Magic Kingdom?”, “she has several dear”, “can we eat in the castle and get her autograph?”, “er, no, dear. We may see her waving from a window.” “Are there rides?” “No.”

Countries with and without royals have good tourist trades, therefore royals are not a crucial, underpinning factor, so stop talking rubbish and sharpen the guillotines, there's an overdue revolution to be had.