Good food, but bigger, and fried

There ‘aint half been some…

…extreme foods recently invented, including:

• The ramen burger: the beef patty is sandwiched between two bun-alikes of fried noodles. The beef is topped with shoyu sauce and chopped spring onions, and maybe even fried on oil with a sesame dash to it, who knows?

• The cronut burger: the already unholy cronut hybrid, half donut, half croissant (yeeech!), is cut in half and a burger and some cheese inserted. The cheese, presumably, just in case your heart attack might otherwise be delayed a month or two.

• The Luther (as in Vandross) burger: beef, cheese, bacon and a token gherkin, between halves of what look like deep fried bagel. Not much point holding the fries, eh?

• The double fillet chicken sandwich: KFC say this is 500 calories, apparently over 1,200 is nearer the truth. Replace the bun with two bits of chicken, and insert a filling or bacon and cheese. Finger lickin’ stuff, indeedy.

• The bacon explosion: genius this. A sausage meat Swiss roll, filled with bacon instead of jam. Then barbequed. Sliced thinly, I can imagine this working.

• Deep fried butter on a stick. Not a Scottish speciality, but from the States. Ice lolly sticks with magnum-shaped butter applied, deep fried. Apparently the taste is a bit like a cinnamon roll, “with a lot of butter”. The Americans have also come up with…

• …deep fried cola. Google it. Honestly.

Who ate all the…er…pie

None of these have anything on the amazing, huge, record-breaking, three chicken, box of mushroom, and EC pastry mountain chicken pie Rich had (to himself) on Saturday.

The aroma was intoxicating, the pie was so huge that it had its own gravitational field. It was, I think, above the Chandrasekhar limit and if it ever cooled down sufficiently would have collapsed in on itself forming a black hole. In consuming it (all of it, all to himself – I’m not bitter) he munched his way across several timezones.

When he threw the metal tray away there were people on rooftops doing that celebration thing like at the start of Independence Day, mistaking it for the mothership. People were queuing up to nab it for a pond liner.

To make matters worse, apparently the biggest chicken and mushroom pie ever seen had medicinal properties, too. I was a blood sugar stabilisation exercise. Apparently.