Neighbours (UK) Episode One

In Chipping Norton, David Cameron is looking out of the bedroom window. There are three huge removal lorries at the neighbours’, and men in brown overalls and bowler hats are carrying out various large, antique, and valuable items and loading them up.

CAMERON: I see the Baxters are finally off.

SAMANTHA: Come away from the window, love. They’ll catch you nosing.

CAMERON: I don’t care. Just want to make sure they’re finally gone. Awful state school trailer trash lowering the tone of the neighbourhood…

SAMANTHA: David! Nancy goes to state school.

CAMERON: Yes, but a church state school. In Kensington. And still we have to fill the house up with private tutors all hours of the day. Ha!

SAMANTHA: What?

CAMERON: They’ve just dropped that Ming vase he’s always banging on about…

Later the same day, a white and rust Transit arrives in a cloud of fumes. A man gets out. He is tall and tanned, wears blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He has gold chains around his neck and wrists. Assisted by a girl wearing very little, he starts unloading the van’s contents…

CAMERON: [Running over to the van] I say, you can’t dump…

WAYNE: Hold on. You’re that…Ava, look, it’s that bloke…

AVA: You’re that mush off the telly, innit?

CAMERON: Sorry. Ava?

AVA: No, Ava.

WAYNE: Ava. As in [sings] ‘ave-a ban-ann-ner. Short for Avocado.

CAMERON: Avacado?

WAYNE: Number one daughter. [He offers a hand and Cameron, bemused, shakes it, and winces in pain]. This is Ava. [They shake, he winces, again, in pain].

Another white Transit arrives and skids to a halt in a cloud of dust and exhaust fumes. A woman and another girl get out. Neither is wearing very much at all.

WAYNE: Here she is. Scynthia.

CAMERON: And how is that pronounced?

WAYNE: [leering] with pronounced emphasis on the ‘sin’. [He squeezes her and makes car horn tooting noises]. And this is Nookie, number two daughter.

CAMERON: Short for?

WAYNE: Nokia.

SCYNTHIA: Hold on a minute, you’re that…

CAMERON: Cameron, David Cameron.

SCYNTHIA: That’s the one…off the telly. Pleased to meet you.

CAMERON: And you. Well, I’m sure you’re all very busy, and the new owners will be along soon no doubt…

WAYNE: Dave, mate, we are the new owners.

CAMERON: [Losing blood to the face and starting to shake, visibly] You are the…

Another two white vans pull up, both with horse boxes in tow.

WAYNE: And here they are: Dwayne and Kane with the ‘orses, Chelsie and Didier…

CAMERON: Excuse me…

Back in the Camerons’ home…

CAMERON: [Looking at his phone] It’s from Cleggy [reads the text message] It says “heard about the new neighbours” Christ, news travels quickly, what does ROTFL mean?

SAMANTHA: Rolls on the floor laughing.

CAMERON: Oh. “PS Ed Millipede is a winker LOL”. Yes, I know what that means, now. This is unbelievable. Look at this…

SAMANTHA: David! Do come away from the window.

CAMERON: [Opens the window, noisy rap music is blearing, smoke is billowing from a barbeque] Oh no. He’s spotted me.

WAYNE: Dave, Dave. Over here mate! Come and have a can and a horseburger mate. Bring the missus and the kids, there’s plenty. House warming paaarrrty!

CAMERON: [Stammering] I’m…we’re…otherwise engaged right now [he slams the window shut] dear god. We’ll have to move, we’ll have to move…