I swear, sometimes

The BLISS guide to profanity

There is, apparently, a strict hierarchy. She talked me through it. I can’t go into too much detail, because I’ve promised her not to swear, here at least. However, I now have a clearer picture of what, were I to try to push the envelope, I might just get away with.

Profanities are ranked first the way football leagues are. There’s the premiership. The stuff often referred to a “Effin’ and Jeffin’”. There’s the Championship, words that, while uttering them just once may not see you burning in the inner circles of hell for, like, eternity (and that’s a long time), will certainly raise the eyebrows, neckhair and hackles of the Mary Whitehouse Appreciation Society: the anal, the small-minded, the wafer, wine, guilt, spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch brigade, you know the type. Never worn an unironed shirt in their lives, won’t miss the Queen’s speech, have a white straw hat on the back shelf of their car, want to burn books, ban plays, censor films. Those guys. Words for things we all (have to) do, things almost everyone does, things a lot of people (but not everyone) do and bits that are, well, bit we all have.

The leagues dwindle down to the Rymans and Doctor Martens of profanity, where the impact is negligible.

There’s a table for each league, so you need to imagine what’s top of the premiership, the top four (Champions’ League places), down to the relegation battlers.

The Java updater fits right in

You don’t get this with Linux. Honest, you just don’t. The computer starts up, quickly, does what you want it to do, quickly and in a stable way, as long as you don’t want to play (certain) games, and, okay, use any remotely functional CAD software or Photoshop. It then shuts down quickly. I always saw java as easy enough to update [in Crunchbang Linux-world, you open a window, type: apt-get update and apt-get upgrade, hit return (either after each one or after the two) and off it goes, that’s enough to update everything you have, operating system, software, everything-wise, in one fell swoop, when it’s convenient for you to do so, ruthlessly, efficiently, and quickly, without needing to restart, melt-down, or do three laps of the recreation ground, widdershins]. For windows, nothing’s that easy.

Java nagged about an update.

Boxes were ticked, a new installation was (apparently) underway. Do you want to install the dreaded McAfee antivirus and generally computer-stopping software? it asked, “No” I replied. Right, I’m out of here, the installer huffed off, exit stage left. The next start-up, there was a box asking did I want to update Java? I didn’t, it said, have the latest version. Reluctantly, and only because stuff don’t work if java isn’t there to support it, I hit the yes button. After a Windows-long wait (and that’s a long time) an info-box opened telling me I already had the latest version installed. Thanks Java, thanks Sun Microsystems, good job of fitting in with the general Windows approach: minimum processing time, maximum time-wasting time. Really, move up to Linux and you’ll never move back to Windows. Unless you need to play a certain game, or use a decent CAD programme.