A Prince of Darkness Special

The Lizard King (A Prince of Darkness Special)

Enter Terry (Lord) Peter (The Prince of Darkness) Mandelson’s right hand bloke. He is wearing a Frank Lampard replica Chelsea shirt, and is holding a can of Foster’s lager…

TERRY: (Singing) Jose Mourinho, Jose Mourinho, Jose Mourinho, Jose Mourinho, Jose…

MANDELSON: Have you seen the news, Terry?

TERRY: Yes boss. The Special One! He’s back! Oh, Jose…

MANDELSON: No, Terry, the NEWS, Terry.

TERRY: Yes, boss, THE NEWS. JOSE’S BACK…OH, JOSE…

MANDELSON: No. Terry. No. The news. They’re mocking me. This Bilderberg Group thing. They’re calling me the lizard…

TERRY: Are they like the Spencer Davis Group?

MANDELSON: No Terry, they’re not. It’s the press. They’re mocking me. Again.

TERRY: Oh. Are you wrisible, boss?

MANDELSON: Eh?

TERRY: Are they Biltherberthing the pith, boss?

MANDELSON: What? Terry. Are you drunk? Again?

TERRY: No, bosth. Are you going to weleath Woderick?

MANDELSON: Terry! The New Statesman is laughing at me. All I’m doing…

TERRY: All you’re doing, boss, is attending a meeting of the world’s top bankers, politicians, businessmen and reporters, in secret, to do secret things to line your pockets. You can’t be shocked that the press are having bit of a field day…

MANDELSON: But Terry, all I want is a little love, a little respect, a little recognition. After all, I am the political comeback king…

TERRY: Who else is there from our lot, eh?

MANDELSON: Jacqui Smith…

TERRY: Had to wear a stab-proof vest to walk out in her own constituency, expenses claim for her husband’s porn…

MANDELSON: Charles Clarke…

TERRY: Might as well be Charles Drake, boss. Give it up, you don’t have the gravitas…

MANDELSON: No gravitas?

TERRY: Nope. Not like…(predictably, he starts singing again) Jose Mourinho…

Exit Mandy, shaking his head and tearing up the New Statesman.