Prince of Darkness 2012, Episode 1

Prince of Darkness 2012, Episode 1

Peter Mendelson sits in a large armchair, wearing a smoking jacket. On the table by his side are a copy of the Daily Mail and a tube a 'Grey to Black' hair treatment.

MENDELSON: Terry...(raises voice)...Terry!...(shouts)...TERRY...(louder)...TERRY!

TERRY: What?

MENDELSON: Here, Terry.

TERRY: Boss, can't it wait 'til half time?

MENDELSON: No, Terry, it can't wait until bloody half time.

TERRY: But Boss, it's Chelsea v City and...

MENDELSON: Terry, I don't care if it's Chelsea Clinton...

TERRY: Who?

MENDELSON: Chelsea...nevermind. Come here Terry.

Terry enters. He is wearing a replica John Terry Chelsea shirt, jeans and trainers, and is holding a can of Fosters lager.

TERRY: What is it? Five minutes to half time and...

MENDELSON: Passed over again.

TERRY: What?

MENDELSON: Me. Passed over again. No Big Brother. No Strictly. No Jungle. Nothing from the Today programme for months. My public...

TERRY: What?

MENDELSON: My public. They're going to forget me.

TERRY: Boss, you aint got a 'public'...

MENDELSON: But I'm the comeback king. The fighter. The ultimate...

TERRY: Boss, you're the ultimate wriggle off the hook / back into the cabinet, but...

MENDELSON: No buts, Terry. What am I to do? I'm going to be forgotten...

TERRY: No. No Boss. You'll never be forgotten...

MENDELSON: Won't I Terry? Won't I?

TERRY: No Boss. Look. Second half's about to start...

He starts looking over his shoulder into the next room, at the TV.

TERRY: There's the illegal immigrant lover, the nanny-gate, the dodgy mortgage...

He takes a swig of lager and turns to face the TV.

TERRY: ...or mortgages. All that stuff. GO...DROGBA...YES!

MENDELSON: But. I'm a national treasure. Why does no-one ever call me a national treasure...

TERRY: Boss, you can't declare yourself a national treasure...

MENDLESON: But I've...

TERRY: Boss, you don't get 'national treasure' status like a consolation peerage...

MENDELSON: Terry, where're you going? Terry?

TERRY: Second half's started boss. Let me know when you really need something.

MENDELSON: Run me a bath Terry. Plenty of the stem cell and embryo bath foam...

TERRY: Boss, the football...

MENDELSON: Just do it Terry. I'm a national treasure, damn you!

Terry runs the bath. Fade with Terry giggling as he empties the l'Oreal away and replaces it with 'Black back to grey' shampoo.