I am not your slave

A letter to government departments...

...in general, and some recently surfaced idiot at the student loans department in particular.

Dear Shiny trouser-arsed clockwatching work-dodger,

Contrary to what you seem to believe, I'm not your lackey, and am unwilling to respond to your every command at the snap of your fingers. The general population isn't your unofficial and unpaid workforce.

Sitting opposite you, or on the end of the phone, is your counterpart at HMRC. Unless otherwise engaged strictly observing his working hours, arriving seconds before nine thirty and sprinting for the taxpayer subsidised parking facility at five precisely, lunch hours, standardised annual sickness, on a toilet / fag / tea / coffee / rehydration break, or away being trained in being awful at his core duties while maintaining absolute levels of political correctness, bullet-evasion, and living below the parapet, you could talk to him directly. But that would be sensible, efficient, and would not cheese me off.

For some absurd reason, rather than approach someone being paid to compile and look after the data you require, you insist on pestering me.

Look, I'm really not a people person. In general, the sliding scale I apply starts at irritating and steeply descends from there to rot in hell, bitch, now. So, no, I'm not able to send you what you want within five working days. The threat of a late or reduced student loan does not really apply, as due to your department's incompetence, he's not received anything, and your deadline to put something in his bank account has passed. You lost the copy of his passport he sent you. We had to send another. Registered. You've probably lost that, too. In short, given some earth-moving equipment and licence to please myself, I would excavate a massive pit, lob you and all your ilk into it, and gleefully and remorselessly top it off with tons of mass concrete. That would make me smile.

That would also dam the rivers of ineptitude, seas of inefficiency, and oceans of misery that are all you have ever produced.

Yours,

Etc.

I am concerned that I may have understated the point. There could be some torture in the pit before the concrete is poured in. There could be more detail about just how inept these departments are and how they throw their responsibilities onto the population in general, who are all far busier than the government department blokes, actually earning money so that they can be taxed, in order to pay for the government department people, who do nothing but simply throw their responsibilities...etc.

I have omitted the following:

Overpaid.

Underworked.

Unqualified.

Unregulated.

Smug-faced, backbone-lacking, urine for blood, mealy-mouthed pasty-faced ninnies.

Quite a laid-back response, really.